Predators

Bomb Rating: 

Sadly, time has not been kind to the Predator race, as it appears that they have lost about 800 IQ points in the intervening decades.

Sci-fi sequels are almost always crippled by the same fucking ridiculous Hollywood brain fart: if one of something was scary / cool / interesting, then TWO OR MORE of the same thing would be MEGA scary / cool / interesting. It boils down to the fact that what makes a good sci-fi movie so appealing in the first place is the original idea behind it, and attempting to equal or surpass that idea in a sequel is almost always completely impossible.

That doesn’t stop studios from trying, of course, and the result is a clusterfuck like Predators. After attempting to murder the franchise by replacing Schwarzenegger with DANNY FUCKING GLOVER in Predator 2 and then shitting on the entire fan base for the series with the two Aliens vs. Predator movies, anyone even tangentially involved in the production of these enormous failures should have been jettisoned into the sun like the nuclear weapons in Superman IV. But no, instead 20th Century Fox decided to hire Robert Rodriguez in a vain attempt to recapture the glory that faded more than 20 years ago. Like James Cameron before him in another series that has gone to hell, he took a look back at the original flick, realized there was no way he could top the tension, action or insanity and decided it would be better to just stuff the movie with as many Predators as he could and hope no one noticed the lack of plot, talent or acting.

So let’s set the stage – a bunch of ‘badass’ humans headed by ‘legendary badass’ Adrien Brody get air-dropped onto an alien planet where they are hunted down, one by one by a race of super advanced Predators. Essentially, this is game over, right? I mean, just one of those things took out Arnie’s elite commando unit, on their own turf, all the way back in 1987. Sadly, time has not been kind to the Predator race, as it appears that they have lost about 800 IQ points in the intervening decades. Despite being introduced as a team of three ‘Super Predators,’ check out how these seven-foot tall ug-mugs end up dying:

1 – Blown up in a tunnel by a Russian dude who just happened to have C4 strapped to his body.

2 – IN A FUCKING SWORD FIGHT WITH A DUDE WHO HAS TWO FUCKING FINGERS!

3 – As the result of an emotionally touching piano solo performed in the middle of the jungle by Adrien Brody.

I may have made that last part up, but then again, maybe I didn’t. Maybe this movie really is that stupid. Hell, I WISH I had fabricated that sword fight death, because if the enormous Native American dude in the original Predator couldn’t manage to kill one with his giant Bowie knife, then there’s no way the scrawny yakuza dude in the shimmer suit takes one out with a blade. Why not just have the two of them sit down and play fucking chess, Ingmar Bergman style, all the while growling back and forth across the board about the intricacies of life’s mysteries. Or maybe cuddle a little bit. Or roast marshmallows over a campfire underneath the planet’s triple moons. For fuck’s sake, give me something I can believe in, Mr. Rodriguez.

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I can't wait

RidingFool's picture

for two Arnold Schwarzeneggers. Maybe the plastic-faced Arnie and his plastic-faced wife, Maria, will adopt twin grinning plastic-faced dwarf Schwarzeneggers from the same thing.

How about that, mothafuckers?

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