The Prince of Egypt

Bomb Rating: 

My only problem with this film is this: Where the fuck are the talking and singing animals? When a guy pays his money for an animated movie, he better get some talking, singing animal pals to help along the hero, by God! These days, watching an animated feature without the talking animals is like watching a porno without the money shots.

You can't tell me that talking locusts aren't perfect for this film. They could have sung and danced and made all sorts of jokes about devastating the crops. Or, better yet, talking camels: Ramses (Ralph Fiennes) could have chased Moses (Val Kilmer) and a camel could have spit in Ramses' face and knocked him off his horse. Ha ha! Then, just as Moses walked down to the Red Sea, the camels could have broken into a nice '60s-sounding song titled: "Hey Moses, Where You Going with that Staff in Your Hand?" Finally, just as Moses is stepping into the water to save his people, a googly-eyed frog could burst from the water and wail this ditty to the tune of "The Little Mermaid's" "Under the Sea":

The Pharaoh is right behind you
He's going to take you back
Your people have work to do now
But you're going on the rack

Just look at the world around you
Right here near the ocean floor
Step in the water Moses
I know what you've come here for

Parting the sea, parting the sea
The Jews will do better
Down where it's wetter
Take it from me!

Up on the shore the Egyptians say:
Get those Hebrews to work away!
Better get going
Or you'll be floating
Parting the sea!

Hell, if I can pull these idiotic lyrics out of my ass in under sixty seconds, surely there's someone at DreamWorks who can slip Michael Bolton a Hair Club for Men membership to barf up a couple more.

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