The Princess Bride
In real life, that slut Buttercup would not only have married Prince Humperdinck and spawned his children, but probably would have been doing Andre the Giant on the side.
In case you don't remember, this isn't just a movie about Westley (Cary Elwes) and how he runs off from his true love, Buttercup (Robin Wright), becomes the Dread Pirate Roberts, then returns to find Buttercup engaged to the evil Prince Humperdinck. No, this movie begins and ends with Fred Savage in bed, being read to by his grandpa (Peter Falk).
Did director Rob Reiner not have enough confidence in his movie that he had to bookend it this way? I could give a rat's ass about Fred Savage and whether he's sick or not. I don't need a little introduction to explain to me how this is all a fairy tale. When you start introducing giants and princesses and exhaustive explanations about the importance of true love, I get that it's a fairy tale, because in real life, that slut Buttercup would not only have married Prince Humperdinck and spawned his children, but probably would have been doing Andre the Giant on the side.
Then, of course, it's a pretty typical male reaction to come back and spy on your true love. If Westley had any faith in Buttercup, would he ever have doubted that she still loved him? Instead, he runs off, sows his wild oats as a pirate, then comes back and accuses her of being unfaithful. How many cheap wenches did he bang while he was sailing the high seas, I wonder? And if Buttercup was so miserable with the Prince, why didn't she just get the hell out of Dodge?
And what's with all the stupid antics of this film? How about Fezzick (Andre the Giant) and Westley climbing up that long rope? All I know is I remember gym class, and those two guys can't possibly have any testicles left. Then Inigo (Mandy Patinkin) and Westley fight, and they're switching hands. Show me any real swordfighter who would ever take a risk like that, and I'll show you his tombstone. And how about the guy (Wallace Shawn) with the big intellect who gets tricked into drinking with the poison? What an idiot. And how about Billy Crystal and Carol Kane? Are they not the two most annoying actors in the world? That whole scene with them is like somebody running their fingernails down a chalkboard.
The best that one can say about this film is that at least Mandy Patinkin didn't sing (and that really is quite something when you think about it.)
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