The Princess Diaries

Bomb Rating: 

Watching this movie is like watching director Garry Marshall whip out his withered sausage and take a pee. That's because Garry Marshall is old and probably lacks proper Kegel muscle control. So, like most men his age, he stands over the urinal and after finishing the central portion of the urinary process, spends an equal amount of time dribbling the remaining contents of his bladder.

In "The Princess Diaries," it takes Marshall a short half hour to cover every joke and every point that the film will ultimately make. After that, the movie is an endless repetition of these very limited themes. The story is about a young girl named Mia Thermopolis (Anne Hathaway) who lacks class and sophistication, but discovers that she's actually a princess when her grandmother Clarisse (Julia Andrews), Queen of Genovia, shows up and tells her so. They spend the rest of the movie trying to make Mia look and act like a princess and it's pretty much one stumble after another.

Remember that Garry Marshall also directed "Pretty Woman," in which a prostitute with a heart of gold finds true love. Essentially, this movie is "Teen Pretty Woman," since Mia is transformed from geeky outcast to beloved facial cream model. Basically, about the only difference between this film and "Pretty Woman" is that nobody ejaculates in Mia's face.

Amazingly, "The Princess Diaries" is rated G, suggesting that the officials at the MPAA either got paid off, didn't watch the film, or were granted sexual favors by pop star Mandy Moore. Remember, "G" means it's appropriate for all ages. However, Mandy Moore's very presence in the film means every teenage boy in the theater is spending the evening "pushing the envelope" when it comes to testing the tensile strength of his jeans. Naturally, Mia does some smooching with the popular boy of her school. And what do kids that age do after they smooch? They smoke meth and screw like bunnies, of course. Is that an appropriate message to be sending to our youth? Mandy's character also knocks down a beach tent where Mia is changing, leaving her naked. Oh sure, she covers herself before we see anything, but under that? She's naked!

Throughout this movie, you can sense Garry Marshall's anticipation as his licks his lips and bides his time until Mia's old enough to bend over for his next feel-good prostitute movie. This may explain why, despite the G rating, "The Princess Diaries" is dangerously close to pornography.

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