Proof of Life

Bomb Rating: 

What's ironic is that in real life, Meg Ryan chose option #3 and dumped hubby Dennis Quaid.

Here's a dilemma: You're living in a South American craphole. Your overbearing, left-wing husband has just been abducted by terrorists who want a few million bucks for his release. The K&R (kidnap and ransom) guy shows up and wouldn't you know it -- he's a hunk. This leaves you with several options:

1. Do everything you can to get your husband back.
2. Do almost everything you can to get your husband back, but make googly eyes with the K&R guy and always make sure to wear a tank top but no bra so he can see the outline of your nipples.
3. Pretend your husband is dead. Have wild jungle sex with the K&R guy. Come to the realization that your husband, though his heart is in the right place, isn't that good in bed, doesn't have a cool accent and kind of looks like a fuzzy testicle.

All the credit in the world to Alice (Meg Ryan), who chooses option number 2. Believe it or not, she doesn't sleep with Terry Thorne (Russell Crowe). She just thinks about it. What's ironic about that small plot point is that in real life, Meg Ryan chose option #3 and dumped hubby Dennis Quaid. Ryan and Crowe are now, of course, an item, and I guess I was supposed to sit through the film thinking about how well the real-life chemistry was translating to the onscreen chemistry. Unfortunately, I was actually thinking about the fact that Meg Ryan without a bra wasn't necessarily a good thing. They make that piece of equipment for a very good reason. When Meg and I are making love in my dreams, I am not trying to fondle a pair of ping pong balls that are glued to a clump of yarn, and I don't think to myself, "Man, these would make really good cat toys."

Director Taylor ("The Devil's Advocate") Hackford doesn't have the slightest clue what he's doing. Is this a romance? An action-adventure? A drama? You know, pick a subject, Taylor. Crowe stands on the top of some cliff at the end looking like an advertisement for a sequel. Sadly, it seemed like Hackford tossing in an insurance policy in case the movie was good -- something Hackford still doesn't seem to know.

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