Pumpkin

Bomb Rating: 

When there are two directors on a project . . . it's clear there's something seriously, seriously wrong.

Whenever there's more than one screenwriter on a project, you pretty much know it sucks. There are really a limited number of ways to look at it: 1) Either somebody wrote a good screenplay and some diaper-wearing executive didn't like it or understand it and hired somebody else to rewrite it or, 2) The first draft sucked and the executive hired somebody to come in and try to fix the thing. Either way, somebody thinks that writing a screenplay is like throwing crap on a pizza, and the resultant movie is likely to be about as appetizing as eating your own entrails.

When there are two directors on a project, these problems are exacerbated. The co-directors had better be Siamese twins or else it's clear there's something seriously, seriously wrong. "Pumpkin" falls into the latter category. Perhaps Anthony Abrams or Adam Larson Broder is mentally deficient, because then I'd understand the creative dynamic as one turns to the other after a shot to ask whether the level of retardedness was correct. That would make some sense. But since black people and women can't get in the director's chair in Hollywood without blowing somebody or filing a civil suit, I seriously doubt anybody is going to hire a retarded person to direct a movie, with or without non-retarded supervision.

Obviously, having two directors totally goes against the idea of a vision, since the director is supposed to have a vision and direct everyone toward it. "Pumpkin" clearly has two sets of eyes, which gives it that "what the hell is going on here" feeling, like when traffic is backed up for ten miles because people are slowing down to watch some guy on the side of the road change a flat. Christina Ricci plays Carolyn McDuffy, a spoiled sorority girl who falls in love with Hank Harris, a mentally challenged "special" athlete whom Carolyn is supposed to coach so her sorority can win "Sorority of the Year."

I'm sure everyone else with a penis will notice this too, but Christina Ricci's nipples are poking through virtually every single piece of clothing she wears. There's one scene where she's wearing a shirt and a coat and you can still see her nipples poking through the coat. Has anybody heard of tape? There's a real thin line between perky and deadly. Usually nipples that hard in a porn film are an indication of an impending silicone rupture. This is really a practice that ought to stop and it's discriminatory to boot. I mean, if Russell Crowe is doing a scene and his penis happens to be straining out of his trousers, the director is going to stop and make him watch Carnie Wilson's liposuction tapes until his penis turns inside out. Why? Because it's distracting.

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