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TITLE CARD: "THE CRANKIES"
FADE IN
INT. PRISON
A prison guard approaches the cell of NICK-THE-FRATELLI, a notorious criminal. Nick's body is swinging from the rafters--suicide. The guard plucks a note off Nick's swinging corpse.
GUARD: You poor shmuck.
Nick's body suddenly comes to life!
NICK: Shmuck? Shmuck? Is that the fucking best you can do, you limp-dicked anal douche? You fucking shit-eating monkey-raper? You dog-fisting, grandmother-licking, son of a babyfucking . . .
The guard backs away, covering his ears.
GUARD: Okay, okay, I get the point! Just escape already!
EXT. PRISON
Nick runs out of the prison cell and looks around. A black ORV is waiting for him. Behind the wheel sits GODMOTHER FRATELLI and MIA FRATELLI, Nick's whiny little sister.
MIA: do we haaaaave to save nick? he's such a stupid loser, he probably has sex withhimself all the time.
GODMOTHER: Shut up, Mia. Nick! Get your ass in here!
Nick climbs into the van.
NICK: Hi, mum. (to Mia) Hi, cuntrag.
MIA: maaaaa, did you hear what that jerkass called me??
GODMOTHER: Quiet, you two! Mia, light the gasoline on fire! We've got to make our getaway!
MIA: gasoline?
NICK: Christ, ma, you put her in charge of the wall of fire?
GODMOTHER: Well . . .
MIA: my head hurts. i want a motorcycle.
Meanwhile, no cops seem to be swarming out of the police station. Strange . . .
GODMOTHER: It doesn't look like anybody is trying to stop you from escaping, Nick.
NICK: Huh. Buncha pussies, probably.
From inside the police station, we hear the faint sounds of music and laughing.
MIA: a party! can i go, ma? can i?
NICK: Let's do the getaway thing anyway, ma.
GODMOTHER: You got it.
The ORV takes off, its tires squealing, it's horn blaring. People leap out of the way.
The ORV blazes past a cheerleading field, where SKILLY, the head cheerleader, is guiding her team through their routines.
SKILLY: You call that "Doggystyle"? Fuck it, you're off the team, Carla! Get outta here! You too, grundle!
Next, the ORV tears past a pizzaria, where a fat and rather stupid-looking boy is busy stuffing his face. This is MR. CHUNKIFUL. He rushes up to the window.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Oh wow, a pollize chaase!! Suuper-dooper kool!!
He accidentally smashes his pizza and soda against the window. Food splashes his face. He doesn't seem to mind.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Sooper neaato!!!
Next the ORV passes PSUE, the penultimate college girl, reading glasses and all, who is lugging over fifty pounds of books to class.
PSUE: Hey, slow down!
She thinks for a moment, then adds a smiley emoticon to her last sentence.
CUT to Conqueror walking down the sidewalk, unsuccessfully trying to twirl his tiny penis like a lasso. He stops abruptly and looks up at us, his face hopeful.
CONQUEROR: I'm in a fanfic?
The ORV screams around the corner, rushing past Conqueror. It suddenly slams on its brakes, then reverses. Conqueror watches all of this, interested. The ORV backs up a little more, turns, and then roars toward him. He shrieks in fright, but the ORV mows him down, leaving only a bloody smear on the sidewalk.
Inside the car, Nick pats Godmother on the shoulder.
NICK: Good shot, ma.
Next we see the interior of X-Mouth's house. He's an annoying, whiny little kid who is currently watching Spanktrovision while his father works on the plumbing.
FATHER: Turn that off, son. I can't hear myself think.
X-MOUTH: Yeah, right, you liberal sheep.
He flips the TV off. The sounds of anal sex are replaced by the squealing of tires as the ORV flies off into the distance behind him. X-Mouth watches the car go.
X-MOUTH: (disgusted) Democrats.
To be continued . . .
--Slater
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