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INT. THE WALSH HOUSE
HAIRHEAD WALSH, a scrawny kid with an asthma inhaler, is watching TV. His older brother, WULF, is unsuccessfully trying to operate his new chest expander in the background.
HAIRHEAD: I wish we didn't have to move.
WULF: Shut up, you stupid newbie.
HAIRHEAD: What are you talking about?
WULF: Whoops. Sorry, force of habit.
Suddenly, the James Bond theme begins playing in the background. HH and Wulf promptly freak out.
HH: Open the screen door! The screen door!
WULF: Get the windows! Hurry, open 'em!
HH: Oh shit, what about the chimney. . . ?
WULF: Yeah, get that too. Hurry!
While all of this is going on, SPEAKER4DATA calmly walks in the back door. The brothers stop abruptly and stare at him, absolutely dumbfounded.
SPEAKER4DATA: Hi, guys.
HH: The . . . door?
WULF: You . . . you used the door?
SPEAKER4DATA: (shrugging) Sure. Why not?
He sits down on the couch. Immediately, a rocket blasts out of his utility belt, demolishing half of the Walsh house. Both HH and WULF breathe a sigh of relief.
WULF: That's more like it.
The door opens and X-Mouth walks in. Everyone immediately starts throwing heavy, pointed objects in his general direction.
X-MOUTH: Ow, ow! Okay, okay, you fuckers, I get the point . . .
Dejected, he goes over and sits on the stairs, sobbing in a girlish manner.
We suddenly hear the voice of Mr. Chunkiful, screaming from outside.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Hey, youse looosers, let mee in!
X-MOUTH: Liberal sheep alert!
EVERYBODY: Shut up, X-Mouth.
X-Mouth goes back to sulking. Wulf walks to the front door.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Lets mee in, you hoomos!
WULF: First you gotta do "the Wonderful Shuffle"!
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Come on . . .
WULF: Do it.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Come on . . .
WULF: DO IT!
With a sigh, Mr. Chunkiful pulls up his shirt and begins to dance and sing.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Oh, I'm Mr. Chunkkiful an I'm alllright! With all of my suuuper-cool monkkey butlers, I 'm alrightt! I have suuper Chunkky love with DDDDmajic everee night! Oh, I'm Mr. Chunkkiful an I'm allright!
Wulf laughs and goes back inside. Mr. Chunkiful realizes that the gate was open the entire time, and he quickly follows them inside.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Hey, you homoos, I just saww the moost amazzing thing!
HH: More amazing than the time you fucked Dmajic and her sister at the same time?
SPEAKER4DATA: More amazing than the time Dmajic let you come on her in front of her parents?
WULF: More amazing than the time you took those three dildos and gave Dmajic a DVDA?
X-MOUTH: More amazing than the time that bastard Al Gore demanded a recount of all the votes?
They all stare at X-Mouth for a second. He slinks back into the corner.
MR. CHUNKIFUL: Yeas, more amazzing than all of dhat, beecause this timme it wass rreal! I saw a suuper-coool car chasse, with all thes bulletts--
WULF: Shut up.
At that point, Wulf and HH's mother, KAREN returns, dragging along a confused-looking MENDO.
KAREN: Hi, boys.
ALL: Hi, Mrs. Walsh!!!
KAREN: Boys, this is mendo. He's going to be helping with the packing for the move. Right now, though, he's too stoned to understand a word of English. Have any of you boys taken any Phish in school?
X-MOUTH: Mrs. Walsh, I can speak *perfect* Phish.
KAREN: Oh, you're a life-saver, Clark. Come with me.
They leave. Everybody else looks at each other.
HH: X-Mouth's real name is "Clark"?
SPEAKER4DATA: Figures.
CUT TO: Upstairs, with Karen, X-Mouth, and Mendo.
KAREN: Up here in the attic we store all of the old threads from Crankyland. All of it has got to go. I'd really like these threads clear when they tear Crankyland down. Clark, can you translate all of that?
X-MOUTH: Certainly. (translated from the Phishian) Up there is where the women go to fuck, because that's all they really care about. Bush won the election fair and square. Bush's daughters are just whores, but at least they're not Democrats, right?
MENDO: Whoa, man.
KAREN: C'mon, Clark, we've got a lot more to do!
KAREN and X-MOUTH leave. Mendo looks around, scratching his head.
MENDO: Wonder where the food is . . .
to be continued . . .
--Slater
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