Race to Witch Mountain
Watching Race to Witch Mountain was like a flashback to the early nineties when alien movies where all the rage and audiences were mesmerized by sci-fi action and special effects. Yes, people were that stupid and easily distracted. No, things haven't changed much.
Which allowed the director, Andy Fickman, to get away with strolling through the archives in the Disney vaults, notice a particularly foul wad of Post-It notes and decidd to run with it because real ideas cost too much money. We all need to save a dime in this recession. Either that or there must be a writers block pandemic surging through the hills of Hollywood for the script of Race to Witch Mountain to ever have made it to the production phase.
Jack Bruno (Dwayne Johnson), a testosterone ridden cab driver, discovers two alien kids in the back seat of his car. Sara (Anna Sophia Robb) and Seth (Alexander Ludwig) as it turns out have come to save the world. In a spurt of originality directly copied from every other movie like this, a government agency is after them and wants to perform alien autopsy rituals upon their lifeless bodies, so they enlist Bruno to help them on their quest. An alien assassin arrives on the scene to generate the much needed action sequences, and a love interest is snuck in there through Dr Alex Friedman’s (Carla Gugino) character.
This movie was knitted together from better, less retarded films. There are so many stylistic references, to films that have already been tossed aside and outdone. I’m going to break it into small bite size pieces so that you can understand just how agonizing this movie was to watch.
Jack Bruno’s character is a confusing mirror image of Vin Diesel’s in 'The Fast and The Furious'. He is a hulking kick ass cabbie with amazing driving ability, which of course helps him get the kids out of trouble. It’s like pasting a picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme over a picture of Dolph Lundgren and then trying to convince the world that they are two separate people. Ridiculous. Dwayne Johnson brings his Samoan charm to the film without realizing that Fickman is progressively sinking his career into mud. But hey, it worked for Arnie. Maybe they’re setting him up for a career in politics. It would explain the burgeoning repulsion every time I looked at him.
The alien assassin could be one of two figures from science fiction, either a Predator or the Terminator. His bionic suit is all we see until the very end when, shock and horror, we see his terrifying face! It looked like a wet marshmallow with eye-holes. Now excuse me for expecting something more than that but this is not the nineties when paint, cardboard and squeezing a dogs foot could make a scary alien sufficient to cause the kiddies to wet their pants. If I see an alien in 2009 I want to see the high-res technology behind it, not the after effects mock up because they overspent on their budget. And speaking of half-assed attempts, what is up with the rest of the special effects? Nothing but sparks, in every scene, showers of them cascading down upon the actors. Where are the explosions? Where are the runaway fires? A disgruntled postal worker could cause more damage than that predator wannabe.
The little blonde girl Sara can move things with her mind, and boy Seth can change his molecular structure. We know this because during the film there are sudden pauses when Bruno says, ‘What are you doing?’ to which the kids reply, ‘I am moving things with my mind,’ or ‘I am changing my molecular structure.’ This is specifically to drive the audience psychotically insane, because they think we are as mentally challenged as their writer Matt Lopez, who clearly needs step by step instructions on how to form a thought.
God help Disney if all they can produce nowadays is this fermented dog shit. I pity the children who will watch this film and love it because they don’t know any better. I swear, you put a wrestler’s face on anything these days and it sells. Race to Witch Mountain is a catastrophe of epic proportions. Compare it to the 1994 Schwarzenegger movie ‘Junior’ when the action man himself played a pregnant man and you have something to compare it too.
If aliens did exist they would smite the human race to rid the galaxy of the fools who could create such a cinematic diaper. This movie isn’t even worth watching if you’re stoned. Take some excellent advice and avoid this movie like Ebola or Andy Dick.
To spread the word about this Race to Witch Mountain review on Twitter.To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.