Raiders of the Lost Ark

Bomb Rating: 

This is an epic adventure movie about a man, Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), struggling to define his manhood. It is clear from the outset of the film that this is a hero who just doesn't know which way to go. His name says it all: Indy. He is independent, a free thinker, possibly bisexual.

As Indy and some helpers near sacred ground in the film's opening sequence, one of them turns on him. Indy takes out his bullwhip and flicks the man's gun away before he can pull the trigger. The smile on Indy's face following this phallic confrontation says it all. He and the remaining helper retrieve an idol, which looks suspiciously like the head of a penis. The helper is killed, and Indy is forced to flee a huge round rock -- a metaphoric testicle from which Indy must escape or be consumed. Once Indy outruns the huge testicle, he meets his nemesis, Belloq (Paul Freeman), who essentially emasculates Indy by swiping his idol. Predictably, this has little effect on Indy, who escapes to his waiting plane but is met by the shock of a huge snake crawling between his legs. Indy, we learn, hates snakes.

While teaching class, a girl with "love" and "you" written on her eyelids appears to embarrass him, suggesting inner sexual turmoil. He then flees to Nepal and meets up with his old love, Marion (Karen Allen), whose name is a curious anagram for "I am Ron." Indeed, when they are later alone, their relationship goes unconsummated because Indy dozes off in front of "The Tonight Show" after they kiss. While attempting to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant in Cairo, Indy and Marion acquire a monkey. Marion refers to the monkey as their baby, but later, when the double-agent monkey exposes Marion's hiding place and contributes to what Indy presumes is her death, he doesn't discipline it. With Marion gone and Indy lamenting over a bottle, he still fails to spank the monkey.

Indy and Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) discover that Belloq has a curious problem: His staff is too long. This allows Indy to take pride in his shorter staff and recover the Ark. Unfortunately, the Nazis find Indy and Marion and take the Ark back aboard their submarine. Unknown to the Nazis, Indy swims over to the sub and by some miracle, it doesn't descend. Finally, we discover Indy's real problem with the Nazis. Their long, hard, seaman-filled object never goes down. Fortunately, tables are turned at the end when the Ark is opened and the Nazis are obliterated while Indy and Marion survive, tied to a tall post like two testicles at the base of a penis. Indy rediscovers his manhood, but he and Marion must part, since she's obviously far too masculine.

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god that was funny!

ANTHONY's picture

god that was funny!

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