Ravenous

Bomb Rating: 

Don't make the mistake the family in the row in front of me made... Apparently, they confused the title "Ravenous" with "Barney's Movie Where Only Nice Things Happen."

When Colqhoun (Robert Carlyle) shows up at Ft. Spencer practically dead in 1847, he explains that he's just escaped from being eaten by a fellow human being. He also explains that he's Scottish, presumably because Robert Carlyle isn't talented enough to do an American accent.

Colqhoun then leads Hart (Jeffrey Jones), Toffler (Jeremy Davies), Reich (Neal McDonough) and the film's supposed main character, Capt. John Boyd (Guy Pearce) into the wild and eats several of them. Boyd is the only one who survives and makes it back to the camp. Colqhoun shows up again, except this time he's posing as a Colonel in the Army. Since when did they allow people with accents to be Colonels, especially kilt-wearing girlie-men?

Colqhoun is addicted to the Flesh, a problem explained by an Indian myth called Weendigo, which literally means "man who builds casino." Capt. Boyd also gets addicted to the Flesh, which poses an interesting problem for Pearce, because he's got all the acting range of a corpse. Fortunately, there's this thing called make-up, which the filmmakers use effectively to make Pearce look gaunt and hungry.

Don't make the mistake the family in the row in front of me made. The couple brought their five-year-old daughter with them and had to leave once Colqhoun gutted his first soldier. Apparently, they confused the title "Ravenous" with "Barney's Movie Where Only Nice Things Happen." Note to dim-witted parents: There are better ways to help little Caitlin actualize herself than a gory movie about cannibalism.

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