The Real Cancun

Bomb Rating: 

At a party, somebody asked me to expound on what "The Real Cancun" meant for the future of cinema. I don't know: Peniscam? Vaginacam?

Unfortunately, it's not an advance that came to "The Real Cancun," which actually blacked out one of the fella's units (I presume because he didn't sign the release). Of course, the camera crew was more than happy to film every topless chick they could find, making this film pretty much the literal translation of an event I had predicted some time ago: "Girls Gone Wild: The Motion Picture" (Where's my royalty check?). All this film does is follow a house full of vapid, horny, alcoholic twenty-somethings as they spend their spring break in Cancun.

What are the major storylines? Will Alan, the kid who has never taken a drink in his life, take a drink? (Answer: yes.) Will the so-called "friends" David and Heidi ever do something more than be just friendly? (Answer: yes.) Will the pussy-whipped Paul get princess Sky to sleep with him? (Answer: no.) Will members of the house strip naked in front of large groups of people? (Answer: yes.) Will members of the house get to have sex with people they don't really know? (Answer: yes.) Will we get to see all of it? (Answer: yes and no.)

Here are some general observations: After non-drinking Alan takes his first drink, he becomes the whiniest guy on the planet and my numero uno nominee for future rapist. You can just sort of see an anger towards women building in the guy. Paul, the guy pining for the prissy Sky, needs to get some game. This guy does everything but offer to wipe this girl's ass. No wonder she finds him pathetic. The twins, Nicole and Roxanne, seem to resemble the Bush twins. Since several of the standard-issue purty-mouth frat boys can hardly be distinguished from one another, they seem to vanish right before our eyes. And the girls who don't get naked or get busy also seem to vanish. Why is Jorell in this group at all? All he does is watch his buddy Paul try to get into Sky's pants. I mean, there's the creepy, pussy-whipped guy with no skills, and then there's the guy watching the creepy, pussy-whipped guy with no skills. Shudder.

"The Real Cancun" is nothing more than a commentary on how stupid people are, and that includes both the people in the film and the people who voluntarily pay to watch it (I got in for free.)

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