Red Dragon

Bomb Rating: 

Let's see, I'm thinking about remaking Thomas Harris's novel "Red Dragon" even though it was already made as "Manhunter" in 1986. Why do I want to do this? Because everybody just loves Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter and we need to get his mug onscreen before the last vestige of his youth disappears faster than a honey-baked ham in front of Anna Nicole Smith. After all, this film takes place before "The Silence of the Lambs", and there's only so much make-up can do these days.

So, whom do I want to direct this movie -- to give it that style and substance that will exceed Michael Mann's original? Do I get David Fincher? Darren Aronofsky? Jonathan Demme? No! I'll hire that guy who directed "Rush Hour" and the groundbreaking "Rush Hour 2," Brett Ratner, because anyone who can direct Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan can obviously make a compelling movie about a serial killer.

And while I'm at it, I think I'll remove everything that made the original interesting. First off, I'm going to rip most of the conflict between FBI profiler Will Graham (Edward Norton) and his own psyche out of the script because that will just confuse the audience. What they really want is to watch Hannibal Lecter making lots of coy references to eating people. So, let's get Anthony Hopkins on screen as much as possible and get all that complicated, inner-struggle crap out of there. Nobody likes inner struggle. It's so inner. The next thing I'll do is change the ending. Who the hell ever thought of using "In A Gadda Da Vida" in a movie, anyway? That's just stupid. What I'll do instead is get uber-scorer Danny Elfman to produce as much music as possible that instructs the audience exactly when to be scared. Now, when somebody busts through a closet or stabs somebody, there will be a big sound so everybody knows something bad has happened.

And, of course, I'll recast all the parts with familiar faces so nobody feels uncomfortable. I'll do lots of close-ups and up-angle shots of Ralph Fiennes so you'll actually believe that lifting weights could do something for his ratty physique. He'll play the Tooth Fairy killer. Then I'll have Emily Watson play the blind woman. The coup de gras though, is obviously Norton, who looks barely old enough to be in high school much less a burned-out, overworked FBI agent. Just for fun, I'll toss in a couple of the actors from "The Silence of the Lambs" to do bit parts, so people will feel that all-important "connection."

Lastly, when the movie comes out, I will get naked, park myself on my favorite chair, and masturbate myself raw as the executives call me with the box-office reports and tell me what a genius I am for remaking a 16-year-old movie and making the general public think it's something new and better. I will be a God.

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