Reign of Fire

Bomb Rating: 

I know and you know that there are no such things as dragons.

(Note: Review inspired by Roger Ebert)

I know and you know that there are no such things as dragons and that the likelihood of digging one up in a London sewer is extremely remote, at best. Therefore, I found sitting through "Reign of Fire" to be a complete waste of time, given that dragons are not real creatures. Have you ever been in the Underground in London? It smells like urine. No dragon would hibernate down there anyway.

That being said, I will try to put aside my bias and evaluate the film on its own merits, which are also stupid and not believable (the film's merits, not my bias). Let's say this one dragon gets out. It would not lead to the world-wide cataclysm depicted in this movie. First of all, how long would it take this thing to procreate and who would it mate with? We only see the one dragon escape. Where are the other dragons it needs to mate with in order to have enough dragons to bring on the apocalypse? Bowman should have shown us about ten minutes of dragons flying out of the original hole and another ten minutes of some dragons mating so that I clearly understood what was going on.

Okay, so let's say we grant director Rob ("X-Files") Bowman the apocalypse and assume that the dragons are all over the place and one of the kids who first saw one has grown into a man named Quinn (Christian Bale) who lives in a castle and tries to keep the other people in the castle safe. Apparently, the world has been completely destroyed, but this castle has electricity. How's that? I really needed an extended sequence where we're taken down into the basement and shown the extensive collection of gas generators these people have obviously squirreled away over the years. Of course, having done that, couldn't Quinn have also gotten a hold of an electric razor so he and the other cruddy-looking men could shave once in awhile?

Fortunately for Quinn, an American named Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey) shows up and asks Quinn to join their band so that they can work together, kill the dragons, and be free birds. However, Quinn doesn't like Van Zan, though he likes his helicopter-flying assistant, Alex (Izabella Scorupco) because Alex is a hottie and they can have hot, dirty sex together after Van Zan dies in some heroic yet completely stupid attempt to kill a dragon single-handedly. This is, in fact, where Quinn really gets on the bandwagon about killing the dragons. With Van Zan out of the way, Alex is all his.

Another fortunate thing that happens is that they discover there's only one male dragon and that if they just kill it, there will be no more dragon sex and no more little dragons (I guess with all his fertilizing, the big, bad dragon still hasn't produced any little male dragons). Yet another fortunate thing: This male dragon flies directly at them and gives them the opportunity to fire a grenade right in his mouth. Ironically, I kept my mouth open during the entire movie hoping somebody would do the same to me.

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A real gas.

zulfie's picture

I am all for the suspension of disbelief.  That is why I go to the movies.  But, really...

Fuel.  For the generators, Van Zan's convoy-- any idea how much diesel a tank uses?-- and the chopper.  Yes, a chopper, brand new, perfectly maintained, and with Magic Fuel Gages.

This is like Battlefield Earth's claim that Harriers were stored, fuled and armed, and in flightworthy condition for centuries.  Why not just say, "Beam me up, Scottie?"

All that said, the movie got me away from my cesspool life for a brief while.  It did not hurt at all that Alex just gets cuter and sexier the dirtier she gets.  Must be genetic.

 

 

 

 

Van Zandt?

RidingFool's picture

Wasn't he in a Star Trek episode?

Watching McConaughey act

gamerarocks's picture

badass is as believeable as watching a McNugget act like chicken.

One out of four people is freakishly stupid.  If three of your friends are normal, then it's you.

 

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