Remember the Titans

Bomb Rating: 

How much Sudafed do you have to snort to get to Jerry Bruckheimer's level?

How much Sudafed do you have to snort to get to Jerry Bruckheimer's level? In every movie this guy has anything to do with, it's as if the emotional moments have all been run through some sort of Feeling Amplifier™, so that unless you're in a coma or have had a lobotomy, you can't miss them.

Though this film is directed by Boaz ("A Price Above Rubies") Yakin, all the important emotional moments are pure Bruckheimer. The story is based on fact, about a Virginia High School that gets integrated at the beginning of 1971, and the football team is thus suddenly comprised of both black and white players. The school board ousts the white coach, Yoast (Will Patton), and replaces him with a black one, Boone (Denzel Washington). The end result of all of this is that everybody becomes friends and the football team wins every game it plays once they've learned that race is no impediment to friendship.

Two disturbing trends emerge in this film. The first, also evident in "Almost Famous," entails the Hollywood dictate that "music conquers all." The minute characters stand around and sing songs together, all their differences dissolve and everything is right with the world. If only Pat Buchanan learned to sing Marvin Gaye tunes, he and Ralph Nader could be holding hands and running on a combined ticket! The other disturbing trend is the little girl who plays Yoast's daughter. Like the nightmarish little Pepsi Girl of the Corn in "Beautiful," the little brat is omniscient. She knows everything and recognizes every single fundamental psychological defect in every single character. To make matters worse, she's able to articulate this understanding in a way that everybody understands. To spiral off into realm of the completely asinine, she's also some sort of football genius. Oh, please. All that was missing after that descent into ridiculousness was Eunice, the field goal-kicking lobster.

Every single moment where one character suddenly realizes that he might have feelings for a character of another race is accompanied by a five second pause where each character stares off pensively into space, which then is followed by some insanely loud song. I'm not even going to go into all the different football players, but rest assured, they all stare at each other at some point and then look off into the distance pensively. So they're either having some sort of epiphany, or silently pleading with the crew to please, please turn off the Feeling Amplifier™.

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