Resident Evil

Bomb Rating: 

Mr. Cranky's head has become much like a seashell one would pick up on the beach, except that if you put Mr. Cranky's head up to your ear and listen, you hear the soundtrack from "Resident Evil." That's because this film was loud enough to make Rush Limbaugh put his fingers in his ears.

Which makes it all the more incredible that some woman actually brought her infant into the theater. One suspects the kid will have a ringing in his ears for the rest of his life. I don't know for sure, but isn't bringing your infant to a film like "Resident Evil" proof you're not a fit parent? The theaters should just hire social service workers as ushers so they can transfer these kids into state custody on the spot.

Now with that all off my chest, would Michelle Rodriguez care to apply some air freshener to her environs to clear up whatever it is that's giving her that perpetual scowl? The woman reminds me of Pigpen, the character from Peanuts, who walks around in a fart cloud. Something must be making her mad, and I think a fart cloud would do it.

This is nothing more than a remake of "Night of the Living Dead," which pretty much makes it critic-proof. I mean, what am I supposed to say about a zombie movie? I don't like zombie movies? That's great, and I don't, but it's not exactly the sort of criticism that holds any weight. Milla Jovovich leads a group of elite fighters into an underground, futuristic hive where they spend most of their time shooting the living dead and battling the hive's computer. I suppose if you want to go watch a film where pretty much all that happens is that people with big guns shoot brainless monsters, you've found your niche. I'd also recommend an NRA convention, but it's only got half of that.

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  • Christians everywhere should be outraged at this movie's portrayal of the Jesus-worshipping Sheriff Wydell (William Forsythe). Wydell is after a group of mass murderers.

  • Milla Jovovich's career basically consists of her appearing in some kind of semi-nude state and either speaking some kind of gibberish or barely speaking at all.

  • This movie had been sitting around for two years with good reason, but along comes the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" and suddenly somebody somehow gets the message that what we now need is another zomb