Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Bomb Rating: 

I see Paul W.S. Anderson's name on a movie and I get the cold shivers. Fortunately or unfortunately, he's only responsible for writing this piece of crap. I say fortunately because that at least means we aren't subjected to his uniquely commercial, soulless style of directing. I say unfortunately because he's handed over the movie to one of his -- if this is even possible -- less talented underlings, Alexander Witt. It's like George W. Bush abdicating the presidency to his brother Neil.

This is another one of those movies with a lot of action scenes and fight sequences where you can't actually see what's going on -- at all. As everyone knows, this is the director and editor covering for actors who can't really do the martial arts or stunts, so the director just cuts so fast you can't see all the problems and the errors. This stylistic choice will eventually kill me -- I'm sure of it. It's an abomination of cinema and the fact that anybody puts up with it is testament to how stupid people are.

Characters come and go in this plot so quickly I can barely remember the story. Not that I really care, but basically Alice (Milla Jovovich) is awoken by the Umbrella Corporation as a virus breaks out in Raccoon City. Her job is to eventually confront a monster called Nemesis. What this has to do with anything, I don't know, but she meets up with Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory) and Carlos Olivera (Oded Fehr). Jill is a cop who runs around practicing law enforcement in spandex and high heels or at least that's how I remember it -- that she seems to be wearing clothing entirely inappropriate for her job. The three of them are guaranteed safe passage out of Raccoon City by a scientist who wants them to save his daughter.

Honestly, I can't recall what happens at the end of this thing right now and I've only seen "Paparazzi" and "Sky Captain" since then. However, I think that's a pretty good indication of the stunning impact it had on me. Nothing worse can be said about a movie than having your brain involuntary erase the thing from your memory.

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