Richard III

Bomb Rating: 

Attention, ye stiff-necked, tea-drinkin' knaves! Thou art like moaning pew-fellows defaced by hellhounds fled forth from frosty frayed and freaked frenzies fripping on the fringes, forsooth!

Upon learning that this film features a creepy hunchbacked guy with one arm who likes to go around and kill people, you may make the mistake of thinking that it's pretty interesting. Think again. This character also likes to stare at the camera and say things like "Go tread the path that thou shalt ne'er return... blah, blah, blah... I do love thee so... etc., etc., etc."

Maybe we should try to communicate with these monarchy mongers, who keep foisting this pretentious Shakespearean crap on us, in their own tongue: Attention, ye stiff-necked, tea-drinkin' knaves! Thou art like moaning pew-fellows defaced by hellhounds fled forth from frosty frayed and freaked frenzies fripping on the fringes, forsooth! Translation: "Hey! If you're going to contemporize a play from the ol' Bard, why not take the stunningly innovative step of contemporizing the dialect too! What a concept!"

To exonerate "Richard III" somewhat, however, the movie does deliver a knife into the chest of Robert Downey Jr. (in a scene stolen right from "Friday the 13th," which, in turn, stole it from "Twitch of the Death Nerve.") The filmmakers also "borrow" a scene from "Darkman" for the very end, which just goes to show that if you're going to steal material, you might as well do it from the best.

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