For Richer or Poorer

Bomb Rating: 

Director Bryan Spicer is quickly developing the kind of resume that gives producers erections because they know that, no matter what, this is a man whose ass can really relax to having a hand way up it.

The goal of this film is simple: Put Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley in a story where they won't have to do to much (like act), so that everybody can cash in on their television personas and go home early. Consequently, some brain-dead cockroach came up with the brilliantly original idea of having them hide out in an Amish community, as if to make this film the wacky sequel to "Witness." Allen's character, Brad Sexton, goes so far so to mention "Witness" during the course of the film, effectively saying, "We recognize we're ripping you off, but we're going to do it anyway."

As Kirstie Alley has grown fatter she's apparently decided to practice the time-tested method of whining like a stuck pig to endear herself to people. She plays Caroline Sexton, who escapes with her husband, Brad, after realizing the IRS is about to arrest them for fraud. It's fortunate for Alley that she takes refuge with the Amish -- any other group would have quickly resorted to brute savagery and split her head open in a scene less evocative of "Witness" than "Lord of the Flies." The best torture the Amish can muster is to make her do housework.

Director Bryan Spicer is quickly developing the kind of resume that gives producers erections because they know that, no matter what, this is a man whose ass can really relax to having a hand way up it. How else can one explain "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers," "McHale's Navy" and this film as anything other than the work of a butt-puppet of the Hollywood mooncalves?