The Ring

Bomb Rating: 

It's been about seven days since I saw this piece of crap and I'm still not feeling so well.

Naomi Watts was naked in "Mulholland Drive." This was about the only thing that made an otherwise indecipherable film tolerable, though the fact that this moment occurred 1:40:48 into the movie really sucked. Frankly, I'd rather go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and squeeze my ample man breasts together for a cheap thrill than wait that long. Furthermore, the DVD of "Mulholland Drive" lacks chapter stops, forcing viewers to fast-forward for ten minutes because David Lynch knows that the only reason anybody would buy any of his films is for the naked chicks. Anyway, this was not my original point. My original point was Naomi Watts being naked because she is not -- repeat, not -- naked in this film. I know for a fact that there's a requirement within the Screen Actors Guild that states "once an actress of marginal talent is naked in a film, she must be naked in all successive films" (Rule N8K-e-d). The filmmakers violated that rule in this film -- the bastards. Rules are no good unless they're followed.

Another thing the filmmakers did was rip off Japan, which is the country where this film was originally a hit as "Ringu" in 1998. One would think that the Japanese, with their cleanliness and their manners, would be pretty conservative with their cinema, but this film, like many, many others from Japan, just goes to show how completely messed up the Japanese really are. That conservative public image is really just a cover for a deep psychosis, but Americans are even more messed up for stealing Japanese depravity.

This film's central plot point is that there's tape out there that causes people to die. Basically, you watch the tape, then you get a call from a girl telling you that you're going to die in a week. In a week, you die a really horrible death. Now, this might be strictly a coincidence, but just about exactly the same thing happened to a friend of mine after watching the video for "Shining Through." A week later he was found dead in his apartment having choked on a piece of strudel. I guess this kind of thing scares some people, but me, I flip the spirit world my middle finger by watching the tape every day and thus, continually extend my life. Apparently, the spirit world has no concept of semantics.

Rachel Keller (Watts), on the other hand, is a moron and decides to track down the mystery of what's on the tape. However, before she does that, she makes sure that her ex-boyfriend, Noah (Martin Henderson), watches it. She also leaves a copy of the tape lying about the house so that her son, Aidan (David Dorfman), can watch it too. Then she gets really upset upon discovering that everybody she knows will be dead in seven days. Frankly, I was surprised she didn't let her kid take the tape to show-and-tell so he could off his entire kindergarten class. What about the grandparents? Hell, why not bring it to the Keller Family Reunion and make sure that everybody she's related to watches it so they can die too?

But maybe this whole deadly tape thing isn't a hoax. It's been about seven days since I saw this piece of crap and I'm still not feeling so well.

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