The Ring 2

Bomb Rating: 

Put "The Ring 2" on a tape with "Blair Witch 2" and there's some video that could actually kill somebody.

Some things I simply cannot do. I can't fly. I can't turn water into wine. I can't make Salma Hayek love me. And I can't adequately convey just what a horrible, mind-numbing experience it was trying to sit through this film without diving from my seat, head-first, into the concrete floor.

Didn't Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) and her freaky-ass little kid Aidan (David Dorfman) solve the mystery of the ring and the videotape that kills people at the end of the first film, when they figured out that the pre-teen goth chick haunting everybody was thrown down a well? I sure thought so.

Now, wouldn't you think that after the bad experiences with video, Rachel might get Aidan hooked on books or phonics or simply throw out the television altogether since it's the only way goth chick can potentially suck them into her world? Or at the very least, after the first signs of trouble, like when somebody comes out of the TV, you pitch the thing in the trash. It's really a sign of our sick society that this is never an option.

The scariest thing about the entire movie is that the new town where Rachel and Aidan have moved seems to have massive wiring problems. There's nowhere the two of them can go where some light isn't suddenly going out. It's also a good thing that Naomi Watts is a MILF because no single man in his right mind would go near her and her devil child if he didn't think he could get laid. Clearly, Max (Simon Baker) goes on pheromonal overload and completely ignores the fact that Aidan is a head revolution away from being Linda Blair.

Annoying images of water pervade this entire movie. I thought of the classic "L'Avventura" and concluded that director Hideo Nakata might be Antonioni's long lost retarded son. Scenes and dialogue are pieced together in some sort of ADD stream of consciousness. There's a scene I call "Fun with Deer" where vicious deer attack Rachel's car because Aidan is possessed or he smells like berries. It's like watching the video the ranger might show you before letting you embark on the nature trail from hell. Then there's the string of painful cameos. Elizabeth Perkins is the first. Gary Cole is the second, which made me hope against hope that the movie would turn into "Office Space" for a few moments. The last, by Sissy Spacek, simply made me feel sorry for her like somebody is sorry for a squirrel that's just been run over by a bus.

Put "The Ring 2" on a tape with "Blair Witch 2" and there's some video that could actually kill somebody.

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