Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Bomb Rating: 

Let me be the first to say it: you can't have a realistic monkey movie without someone having their genitals horribly mutilated and possibly a face or two chewed off completely.  In this sense, "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" fails on almost every level.  Yes, we've all heard about how "real" the lead "character" seemed to "audiences."  Apparently, this is because they managed to find some motion capture "actor" who was "genetically gifted" when it came to "playing a chimpanzee."  Unfortunately, even a cursory viewing of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" by a fan of monkeys who understands the violent, uncontrollable rage that lives inside of each and every one of them reveals that this Hollywood hack has never himself eaten a bowl of dicks in a fit of passionate anger, nor torn the eyes out of a child who made the mistake of trying to reach through the bars at the zoo.

Can hardcore monkey movie fans get past this glaring omission from the full spectrum of simian emotions and find room in their hearts to enjoy "Rise of the Planet of the Apes?"  In a word – no.  Not since my days as a professional rugby player have I found myself cheering as fervently from the sidelines for an act of aggro emasculation.  "Shear his scrotum," I found myself muttering with alarming intensity.  "Tear his taint."  The other moviegoers around me, far from being disgusted, soon joined in my rhythmic chant of mutilation, adding in their own surprisingly spicy descriptors for the male and female reproductive systems and urging the on-screen monkeys to cast aside the animated bonds of falsely-imposed human morality.

It used to be you could walk down almost any alley in New York City and pay a carnie with one eye two shillings to watching a gorilla eat the scalp off of a homeless drifter's sweaty, tear-stained skull.  Now I can't even get virtual satisfaction from the fifteen bucks I spent to watch hyper-intelligent monkeys denying their true selves in the name of family entertainment.  It's almost like 20th Century Fox wants to support black-market documentaries about barbaric religious practices – or that underground circus that operates out of the abandoned high school on Rte. 9 that offers full-service de-manning by the ape of your choice for the low, low price of a pint of blood.

There's a movie in there somewhere, I just know it.

To spread the word about this Rise of the Planet of the Apes review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.

Like This Rise of the Planet of the Apes Review? Vote it Up.


Rate This Movie:

Average: 2 (1 vote)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • Excluding this one, here are Tim Burton's last three films: "Sleepy Hollow", "Mars Attacks!" and "Ed Wood". Who, exactly, designated this nerdboy a great filmmaker?

  • I just have one question. Where are the monkeys? A guy goes to a film expecting monkeys and doesn't get any monkeys.

  • If only it were that simple. There's a choice here between the literal and the figurative that demands attention.

It's basically a remake of CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

FearlessFreep's picture

The interesting thing about that movie (a sequel to ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES, a sequel/prequel of the original PLANET OF THE APES) was its black power subtext.


Don't you mean

RidingFool's picture


Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.