Road Trip Blues
Road trips would be great if there weren't so many idiot drivers, so many clueless tourists, and so many places on the earth where the question "what in the holy hell is wrong with people?" just keeps turning and turning in one's head like laundry in a dryer.
On a recent trip, my first near-disaster, not surprisingly, occurred approaching the state of Utah. As I neared the state line going about 80 m.p.h, I saw this sign: "Pavement ends." This occurred right at the Utah state line, which made me stew that those bastards in Utah are so tight with their tax dollars that they can't pave their roads. Either that or they simply assume that their gas guzzling SUVs can handle such things while little gay sports cars will simply blow up into pieces and their owners die in the wilderness and won't the country be better for it. Here's what I say: fuck Utah.
Wyoming was only marginally better. Unfortunately, I can't really beat the state down because there isn't anyone in it and it's kind of like piling on anyway, unless you go to Jackson. Apparently, everyone in Wyoming is in Jackson, or at least they visit there on a regular basis. I was there in the off-off-season and it was still filled with thousands of sickly, clueless people with large guts wearing 30-year-old knee-high tube socks, wandering around trying to figure out whether purchasing a hand-carved wooden figurine of a wilderness animal was a good idea. Like most resorts, everything is also over-priced. I ate overpriced Mexican food, stayed in a shabby, overpriced hotel, and woke up to eat at a "buffet" consisting of day-old eggs and canned fruit that was so pathetic-looking as to stretch the definition of "food."
Speaking of breakfast and coffee, why is it that one can't get good coffee or find a decent breakfast place anywhere between Montana and just east of Seattle? I drove up and down Montana, Idaho, Washington and all over Canada and had a harder time finding a good cup of coffee than I had finding a three-breasted hooker to tune my car. I've concluded that there simply is no good coffee anywhere in Canada. There's something seriously wrong in Canada. Every cup of coffee appears to be underbrewed Folgers, which is so disgusting that it's barely a step up from drinking tobacco spittle. When I got to Kamloops, a city about equidistant between Calgary and Vancouver, I asked the hotel clerk for some dinner suggestions and he rattled off a whole list of things. Then I asked him for some breakfast recommendations and he looked at me like I was out of my mind, completely insane. Then he sort of laughed, like that laugh people make when a question so stupid that it boggles the mind has been asked, and said this: "Denny's." How completely lame does your town and country have to be that your best breakfast recommendation is Denny's?
Another weird thing going on in the northwestern United States is that bank thermometers were never accurate. And I'm not talking a few degrees off, but more like twenty degrees off. I'd be driving around and come across one of those LCD readouts and it would say something like 78 and I'd look down at my parka and gloved hands and wonder if the crack in Idaho could really be that good. I figure that it's to the benefit of every tourist place up there that they try to convince you that it's warmer than it actually is so that you don't immediately turn your car around and head south.
Bad driving is everywhere, but some of the stuff I saw in the various national parks I visited made me debate the fate of humanity. Apparently, the nation's worst drivers gather in the national parks. In some ways, this isn't surprising since the ratio of RVs to regular cars is about 1000 to 1 and anybody who would consider traveling in an RV is probably mildly retarded. However, excluding the possibility of retardation, the moves people will make in a national park boggles the mind. Almost always, it's because they see a wild animal. At that point, no matter how many people are on the road, if that wild bison or elk is on the other side of the road, the driver will have no compunction about making a U-turn, skidding to a stop in front of several hundred cars doing 50 plus miles per hour each, and taking a picture. Jesus, you freaks, go online and download a good picture of that fucking elk and be done with it.
So you don't experience the same level of frustration as I, here are some fun things to do on your road trip in the northwestern U.S. and southwestern Canada:
1. Walk into any restaurant in Montana, northern Idaho, or eastern Washington and scream out "I hate huckleberries!" then go back as if nothing had happened.
2. After checking into a Motel 6 in Idaho or Utah, call up the clerk and ask the person to come to your room and remove the Bible. If they ask why, tell the person that touching it could potentially be harmful to you.
3. Walk around Provo, Utah, with a shirt that says this: "Mormons Love Cock."
4. Stop a police officer in Utah and ask him or her if the speed limits are real or just suggestions.
5. Walk into a Starbucks in Seattle and ask the clerks if their store is new and how long it's been there. Pretend as though you've never heard of Starbucks in your life.
6. Cut out a life-sized picture of a grizzly bear and glue it to a stick. In the early morning, walk about a hundred yards into a field just off the road anywhere in Yellowstone. When the RVs come driving by, hold up your picture and wave it around. Bonus points for any head-on collisions.