Rock Star

Bomb Rating: 

There is a phenomenon that only happens here at Mr. Cranky and it's called "crappy serendipity." I knew absolutely nothing about "Rock Star" before seeing it and had already written my review for "The Musketeer" beforehand. Lo and behold, but what do I find out? The director of "Rock Star," Stephen Herek, was the director of "The Three Musketeers" starring Keifer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell. There you have it: crappy serendipity.

There's another Hollywood phenomenon we've observed here at Mr. Cranky: Crap congregates. It likes its own kind. Crap hangs out with other crap. They bowl together. They drink Olympia together. They listen to Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" over and over again at full volume. Let's face it, the late '80s was not exactly a renaissance for music. In fact, some of the worst crap to be forced on human ears came out in the late '80s and the best of the heavy metal genre was the worst of it.

In "Rock Star," Chris Cole (Mark Wahlberg) goes from being the lead singer in a tribute band to being the lead singer of the actual band, called Steel Dragon. During this experience, he alienates his long-time girlfriend, Emily (Jennifer Aniston), which is the entire plot of the movie. Chris Cole is the type of guy considered a prototypical weenie in the late '80s. Anybody who was that into a band was derided in every possible way, utilizing every derogatory term possible. If his girlfriend actually resembled Jennifer Aniston, it was the Jennifer Aniston whose face had been splashed with scalding grease. And who thought to cast Jennifer Aniston as a heavy metal groupie anyway? It's like watching Martha Stewart trying to play Linda Lovelace.

I don't want to give the ending away to a great movie but... at the end Chris realizes he doesn't want the life anymore, so he passes on the lead singer role to an audience member. Has anyone seen "The Princess Bride" recently? Chris Cole is the Dread Pirate Roberts! Just before Chris leaves the group, Herek does this ridiculous thing where he scores a slow motion farewell scene to something that sounds like Pachelbel's Canon set to a rock beat. It's like "Platoon," but phenomenally idiotic and utterly without emotional purpose. We next see Chris dressed in a Cardigan sweater singing folk rock because presumably he's rediscovered himself. Possibly the only thing worse than being a heavy metal weenie is being a folk rock weenie.

After this movie, Wahlberg might want to rediscover acting and Herek might want to rediscover directing -- if such a thing is even possible.

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