The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Bomb Rating: 

Robert De Niro produced this movie, which makes you wonder what is going through that man's brain. Morphine, perhaps? Here he is, one of the most respected actors on the planet, and instead of stuff like "How am I going to win my next award?" and "Would she blow me if I showed her my Oscar?" somehow a different thought passed through his brain: "I need to turn Rocky and Bullwinkle into a movie."

I find such endeavors depressing, maddening, and the sort of thing that allows me to have empathy with people who hole up in towers with high-powered rifles. There is obviously some cultural reason for these things to happen, and here it is: Parents and children are having such a generational disconnect that Hollywood is resorting to increasingly absurd machinations to lure them both into the theater at the same time. Mommy and daddy come to fondly remember when their breasts weren't sagging or their prostates weren't swollen, and the Caitlin and Dylan come and get to watch cool animated moose and squirrel.

Not surprisingly, this is hardly a situation in which I picture a loving parent and child sitting side by side, enjoying a moment that will last a lifetime. Rather, I picture a greasy film executive with his pants around his ankles, sneaking up behind some unsuspecting bent-over family. Hollywood gleefully takes advantage of America's utter unwillingness to put any effort into parenting, while parents complicitly jettison their kids into our cultural wasteland for hours at a time so they don't have to sully themselves with the actual work of raising their own fucking children.

Now that I've gone on this rant, you're probably wondering if I even saw the film. Let me see if I can say something about the film that wasn't in the trailers. Well, FBI agent Karen Sympathy (Piper Perabo) is driving along with Rocky and Bullwinkle, and they're forced to jump out of her yellow VW Bug because Boris (Jason Alexander) and Natasha (Rene Russo) are chasing them and they can't make a turn. The Bug goes off a cliff. There's also this Ole (Rod Biermann) guy who Karen leaves at a movie theater but comes back for. Oh, and Billy Crystal makes a cameo as a mattress salesman. I think everything else was in the trailer.

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