The Rookie

Bomb Rating: 

This movie is rated "G" and is not animated, which means that it in no way resembles real life. This is because we live in an R-rated world and anybody who wants desperately to pretend that it's a G-rated world is probably a sap or a Catholic priest.

This movie's theme is "it's never too late to follow your dreams," which is a colossal lie. If Janet Reno wanted to get into the porn industry, it's probably too late (though was there really ever a good time?). If Pamela Anderson wanted to weasel her way into heaven by giving blood, too late. And if Dudley Moore was planning any vacations, definitely too late. That Jim Morris (Dennis Quaid) is only thirty-five when he finally tries out for major league baseball as a pitcher doesn't demonstrate that it's never too late -- it demonstrates that if you got off your ass a little earlier, maybe you'd have a longer career.

Jim Morris lives in Texas and he has one of those fathers (Brian Cox) who never says anything good to him. Jim could be crapping thousand-dollar bills and his father would complain about having to wade through the shit. Jim visits dad at work after having won an important ball game and you'd swear somebody had just set the old man's scrotum on fire. Consequently, Jim grows up to be a loser who teaches baseball at the local high school to more losers.

In fact, this is two bad movies in one. First, it's the "Bad News Bears" as Jim teaches his loser kiddie baseball team how to be winners. Then, it's "Bull Durham" as Jim finally gets his shot at the majors. Jim is fortunate because his wife (Rachel Griffiths) understands his need to realize his dream. Unfortunately, Griffiths isn't from Texas, but from Australia (in real life -- or maybe it's New Zealand -- they're basically the same place anyway), so I didn't believe her sincerity for one second since Australia is a land of criminal ancestors and I figured that Griffith just wanted Morris to leave the prairie so she could steal the tractor and run away with the kids.

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