Safe Men

Bomb Rating: 

Watching "Safe Men" is a ticket to instant amnesia, leaving you nothing more than seven dollars poorer and two hours closer to death.

This movie is like cinematic fruit cake: If you're starving to death you can pick out all the little toxic candies and maybe survive on the smattering of actual food elements in the concoction -- but most of us would just rather die.

Among "Safe Men's" toxic elements is a monologue by Harvey Fierstein that lasts a good five minutes. Here are the things I'd rather do than listen to Harvey talk for five minutes:

1. Overdose on Viagra and then run naked through a lesbian pride parade screaming, "You want a phallic symbol? Here's your phallic symbol!"

2. Coat my testicles in peanut oil and then have somebody throw me in a cage with several hundred rabid squirrels.

3. Mingle with Shriners.

"Safe Men" is so named because Sam (Sam Rockwell) and Eddie (Steve Zahn) are mistaken for ace safe-crackers by Veal Chop (Paul Giamatti), who works for one of only two Jewish mafia dons in Providence, Big Fat Bernie Gayle (Michael Lerner). Bernie demands that Sam and Eddie crack some safes, among which is a safe belonging to the second Jewish mafia don in Providence, Good Stuff Leo (Harvey Fierstein), who has a daughter, Hannah (Christina Kirk), with whom Sam falls in love.

Frankly, this is one of those movies you see and then two days later you can't remember what it's about or that you even saw it at all. Watching "Safe Men" is a ticket to instant amnesia, leaving you nothing more than seven dollars poorer and two hours closer to death.

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