The Scorpion King

Bomb Rating: 

If Russell held his urinating penis the same way he apparently holds a camera, hitting the toilet would be an afterthought.

As I was instructing my neighbor's seven-year-old how to properly pile drive his sister into the concrete, he mentioned how excited he was to see The Rock's new movie. To this I replied, "But The Rock is a pussy!" Little Constantine then proceeded to explain sincerely that the People's Champion was the baddest man on the planet and how if he beat me up, my ancestors would probably suffer brain damage. He then took his younger sister and body slammed her onto a tricycle, resulting in some mild paralysis that hasn't quite abated.

I really would just like to take a paragraph or two to vent on Chuck Russell and all the other idiot directors who wouldn't know how to film an action scene if their camera were bolted to the ground. If Russell held his urinating penis the same way he apparently holds a camera, hitting the toilet would be an afterthought. What is so hard about allowing the audience to see what's going on? Russell is jump-cutting and shaking things about and making unnecessary edits to the point that no fight scene in this movie is watchable.

If The Rock is doing his own stunts, I couldn't tell. He plays Mathayus 2000 years prior to the events in "The Mummy Returns" where his character first appeared. Eventually, as the title suggests, he becomes the Scorpion King, but not before trying to kill the evil Memnon (Steven Brand), who has a sorceress (Kelly Hu) who fixes all his battles.

Just like Brendan Fraser in "The Mummy," The Rock gets a cute lil' ethnic comedy buddy in the form of Arpid (Grant Heslov), who makes a lot of jokes and sets The Rock up for lines that include more than two words. Naturally, the story is razor-thin and the plot pretty stupid. How else could the filmmakers convince The Rock's fans to show up? Wrestling is one of the very few spectator events where the IQs of the fans are lower than the IQs of the participants, and that isn't saying a lot.

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