Scream 3

Bomb Rating: 

You know how Hollywood is. Show them an original success and they're all over sequels like a horny German Shepherd on a bitch in heat.

(SPOILER WARNING!! - Okay, nobody send me any emails saying you didn't believe me. This is a real warning. Should I write that again? THIS IS A REAL WARNING. Besides, the studio always sends requests for the press to not give away the ending, which basically means you can rehash the plot and not much else. I say screw 'em. So, don't read past the third paragraph if you don't want to know who did it. But trust me, you won't be missing much -- it's like they drew the killer's name out of a hat.)

One "Scream" was plenty, but you know how Hollywood is. Show them an original success and they're all over sequels like a horny German Shepherd on a bitch in heat. Let's just pray together that this is indeed the last of these and there are no more "I Know What You Did Last Summer" sequels or "Urban Legend" sequels -- and that Kevin Williamson and all the Kevin Williamson wannabees are simultaneously struck down by a vengeful and righteous God.

Believe it or not, this film takes place in Hollywood because Sidney (Neve Campbell) has moved there to go into hiding and to work on a women's crisis hotline. What kind of moron moves to Hollywood to get out of the public eye? Oh well, at least she's close by the set of "Stab 3" when the cast starts getting murdered for real.

Naturally, this brings Dewey (David Arquette) and Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox Arquette) on the scene. Aren't they just the cutest couple since Tanya Harding and Jeff Galouly? I heard Courtney mention that she and David shared a trailer and all David wanted to do was watch professional wrestling. Pardon me, but isn't that your signal as a woman that it's time to suck down a couple bottles of aspirin? Anyway, they help try to find the killer along with a detective (Patrick Dempsey) and the actress (Parker Posey) playing Gale in "Stab 3."

The ending makes about as much sense as making a third "Scream" film. The director of "Stab 3," Roman Bridger (Scott Foley), spends the entire film complaining about how unfair the killings are to his career and whatnot. And he turns out to be the killer? Does that make any sense to anybody? Couldn't somebody with a brain make him a personal assistant or something -- give him a real reason to be killing all those spoiled actors? "Scream 3" isn't scary or funny or anything. It's sort of like watching a big long commercial for "Scream 4."

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