I really don't care if they're cute and I really don't care ifthey look like puppies -- if a bunch of frickin' seals swim off with my only son I start shootin' me some seals. Naturally, since this is some kind of weird fairy tale, the Connelly family doesn't have that kind of common sense. Instead, they abandon their home on Roan Inish (Island of the Seals) and move to the mainland where they brood about loss as Irish people are wont to do.

In order to solve the secret of Roan Inish, young Fiona (Jeni Courtney) moves in with her grandparents on the mainland after her mother dies. As she walks up to the home, her grandfather (Mick Lally) is there to greet her, telltale pipe protruding from his mouth. At that point any knowledgeable moviegoer should realize trouble is in store. Old men with pipes sticking out of their mouths mean but one of two things: an exaggerated oral fixation or a crusty old storyteller.

Sure enough, Grandfather Hugh gives Fiona an introduction to the mystery of the island they left. This piques Fiona's interest about Roan Inish and the disappearance of her little brother. When she goes to the island, she discovers the good news: Her brother is indeed alive under the care of seals. The bad news is that the seals aren't exactly into family values and let their charge run around in the buff, encrusted with seal filth and smelling of rotting fish. The real secret of Roan Inish? How the seals managed to keep their feral human hidden from Social Services.