Secret Window
Mr. Cranky's rating:
I have one word for Johnny Depp: gel. In Hollywood, the crazy hair marks the writer like the egotistical smirk marks the genius psychopath. It's a stereotype that's been stretched farther than Roger Ebert's upturned thumb.
I have three gigantic problems with this film: Johnny Depp's hair, Johnny Depp's name and Johnny Depp's surprise. Unfortunately, I can't reveal the surprise, because it would ruin the film for anybody unfortunate enough to purchase a ticket, and the lawyers at Sony Pictures have threatened to send the company's entire surplus of Beta VCRs to my house if I even so much as hint at what happens at the end of this film.
Johnny plays a writer named Mort Rainey. As if things weren't bad enough for Mort with his pending divorce from Amy (Maria Bello), some Mississippi psychotic, John Shooter (John Turturro), shows up at his doorstep in upstate New York claiming that Mort has plagiarized one of his stories. Shooter insists that if Mort doesn't make things right, ugliness will ensue.
What's truly ugly is the way this film cheats the audience. Let's just say that things are not what they seem. I abhor any film in which what the viewer sees is not what's actually happening. If that's the source of the so-called "surprise," what's the point of watching?
I have one word for Johnny Depp: gel. In Hollywood, the crazy hair marks the writer like the egotistical smirk marks the genius psychopath. It's a stereotype that's been stretched farther than Roger Ebert's upturned thumb. And I simply could not get over hearing Johnny Depp called "Mort." Casting Depp as a "Mort" is like casting The Rock as a "Dweezil." The mental gymnastics required to wrap one's mind around that just aren't possible.
Was it really that bad?
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I'm posten here on thursday wilbert
One good thing about this up coming election. Idiotopinion
This Is Funny -troll-
My basketball picks for today Scorsese_fan
News of Cusack-Thornton movie Scorsese_fan
Free "Hellboy" promotional dvd at Best Buy Scorsese_fan
Kerry takes a much needed break Spanky
another kerryism Spanky
Diet: Day Four Coaster
Homo erectus Idiotopinion
If you like Maddox, try this site The_Innocent_Bystander
Wrongfully imprisoned people in UK charged for room & board upon release... M_H
Kingdom Hospital (spoilers?) and the other blue pill The_Innocent_Bystander
Aron, you're argument is wrong on several points Xman
Poll:What name will xg.m log in and make his way down the board with next? wilbert
Disturbing things. Xur
Here is one post where Throwing Muses implies he is xg.m wilbert
Looks like Throwing Muses and Theodoric are logged in together right now wilbert
xg.m is always on the board wilbert
Ignorant enviromentalists attempt to ban "dihydrogen minoxide" aka water wilbert
Poll shows most Iraqis happier without Saddam wilbert
DFAs strike again Spanky
To Crankyland The_Innocent_Bystander
Another reason Tennessee shouldn't have electoral votes. Hellbilly
Problems in the Middle East. HomeSkillet
What???? The Chimp Administration engaged in fraudulent behavior???? Mr_Happy_Face
"Passion of Christ" might make Gibson a billionaire Aron
quite funny Ickyru
Will "Dawn of the Dead" be a break out movie for Sarah Polley? Scorsese_fan
"Bush's Brain" movie has been shown Dan_in_Cincinnati
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John Kerry is an asshole Spanky
Joke O' the Day LOL
Drew, Critico-- check out this team Uber
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Recent trend of serial killer movies with male victims Aron
Diet: Day Three Coaster
Which horror movie should they remake next? Scorsese_fan
It's nice to know that at least two people are getting rich Mr_Happy_Face
The Madagascar Hissing Cockroach!! Becky_Sharp
I just ran over a leprechaun! Idiotopinion
St. Patrick's Day - 1989 Theodoric
21 Grams - Good movie, but a bit convoluted (spoilers) M_H
xg.m is fa.g! wilbert
REMEMBER: DEMOCRAT IN CINCINATI HAS OPENLY ADMITTED HE FAVORS JOHN KERRY wilbert
ew Study Links Homophobia with Homosexual Arousal!! Jesse_Jackoff
Fucking fa.ggots wilbert
Bill Clinton allowed Bin Laden to escape! wilbert
Theo and I would like to announce our engagement. jessica-renee
Theo would like to announce he doesn't know anything about this. Theodoric
He's lying. jessica-renee
What the hell are you talking about now? Trashy_White_Whore
I *am* his wife. jessica-renee
Duty? Honour? Sacrifice? church
Jessica-Renee is NOT my wife. Theodoric
Theo is right! Xur
Sweetheart, we don't have to pretend anymore. jessica-renee
Theo baby Xur
Xur is DEFINITELY NOT Theo's wife! Theodoric
The Deaner is incredible in the sack. jessica-renee
Theo, quit trying to confuse everyone! Xur
Theo tells me I get to be the Wedding Singer. Homeboy
<In best Graham Chapman colonel bit> Theodoric
Theo, my love... miki_berenyi
What a sad, sad display this is, Theo. jessica-renee
You can't speak to my darling Theo that way, jess! Xur
<Jumps on Xur> jessica-renee
There will be screaming, there will be clawing, there will be hair pulling wilbert
Oh! You did not just do that! Xur
<Strangles> jessica-renee
Ha ha! Xur
<claws at eyes> jessica-renee
This is a lot of spam wilbert
Please stop this, all of you! Theodoric
<tackles jess> Xur
<Somehow loses shirt> jessica-renee
<somehow loses shirt and pants> Xur
<Remeber's Xur has no balls> jessica-renee
This is just wrong Theodoric
Jess come back! Xur
This could be promising. jessica-renee
OK! Xur
Xur, do you mean... Theodoric
Quick! Run! Emperorseth
Oh Dear. church
Well, hey... Xur
Jon Spencer is my new husband. jessica-renee
How many men in here have tried Escort services? Damn bitches don't put out John_Doe
Homeboy Theodoric
a surefire way for coaster to lose weight mia_wallace
Some facts Gdog doesn't want you to know about gays wilbert
The good shorter part wilbert
How will gdog react to this barrage of facts wilbert
I'm sure as soon as gdog is barraged with facts... Slothrop
Re: Some facts Gdog doesn't want you to know about gays wilbert
Re: Some fa.cts Gdog doesn't want you to know about gays wilbert
Uhh, no, it's not facts... Slothrop
Re: Some facts Gdog doesn't want you to know about gays wilbert
The promiscuity of gays is irrelevant in a discussion... Slothrop
Footnotes which you clearly left out <nt> Slothrop
You're a complete idiot wilbert
How does X respond to an asskicking... Slothrop
Re: Some facts Gdog doesn't want you to know about gays wilbert
Yes, an asskicking wilbert
Look, moron... Slothrop
It's Tuesday, kiddies! skilly
Why does Slothrop like gay people so much? MR_MUCUS
Actually, I'm just quick to defend the good name of gdog... Slothrop
But gdog doesn't HAVE a good name! convenor
Slothrop sucks wIlbert
convenor sucks more! MR_MUCUS
Nice to see church
I might be in favor of a Marriage Amendment... Homeboy
I didn't think man was capable of being monogamous MR_MUCUS
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I repeat, best political cartoon I've seen this year: Aron
Why is it a matter of state's rights, Aron? Bashful
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Have I got the gist of this article? gnosticdogma
I expected as much wilbert
Whereas church
Because it's a better alternative... Aron
An amendment won't pass. gnosticdogma
Put to a popular vote, 38 states would approve it. Aron
I already said you were crazier than Dan, X... skilly
Regardless. gnosticdogma
Of course there will be no amendment wilbert
Gnosticdogma continues the hypocrisy wilbert
Be a man and buy ut2004 today wilbert
Ken Kaminski career path wilbert
mia_wallace wilbert
this guys site is funny wilbert
Desperate Afghan Makes an Ass Out of Himself (their title) Theodoric
What is everyone's opinions about the following artists?!!?!?? Masked_Theodoric
This one's white; the world returns to normal Aron
Interesting article about how the right uses "liberal elitism"... M_H
Kevin Smith supposedly was to direct M. J. as "Turbo Teen" Mad-Ness_Monster
Is Bush a Lincoln Bedroom whore? Mr_Happy_Face
THE YEAR IS ONE! Hellbilly
David Poland raves about "Hellboy" Scorsese_fan
Daz Becky_Sharp
Will "Eternal Sunshine" be an Oscar contender? Scorsese_fan
Wow...NBC actually is doing "Plain Jane"... Scorsese_fan
Kerry lies to Cuban-Americans Dan_in_Cincinnati
Diet: Day Two Coaster
Begging for money....again.. jen
I've looked at clouds... Idiotopinion
In today's beer news Dan_in_Cincinnati
I didn't used to be an arachnophobe... colonel_korn
The new "Dawn of the Dead" is vastly superior to the original Aron
So German. Xur
Crack Dealer Fools Overeager FBI convenor
Liquid-Sunshine attacked by co-worker! Theodoric
XXXie, i'd like to invite you to the unitarian church mia_wallace
Curb Your Enthusiasm's season finale. HomeSkillet
i will wait patiently mia_wallace
Coaster, I CAN OFFER YOU A TIP ON WORKING OUT/DIETING. John_Doe
Another Bushism Bush_Sucks
And the time of the day is church
OK Aron, you win. Xur
Bracketology mangy-ranger
Pretty solid slate of movies coming out this weekend Scorsese_fan
"The Passion of The Dumpty" - Funniest Thing I've Seen on SNL in Years Coaster
"Cold Mountain" & $100 million Scorsese_fan
Anyone else watch "Wonderfalls"? Scorsese_fan
Here you go. Becky_Sharp
Brad Pitt as Achilles in "Troy" - good or bad? He-Man
Allen Iverson is a whiny asshole Screwtape
"Secret Window" was pretty underwhelming (spoilers) Scorsese_fan
PREDICTION: The US will capture or kill Osama Bin Laden Mr_Happy_Face
Spain to Monkeyboy Bush: Go sit on a banana Mr_Happy_Face
Well, I watched the Big Lebowski, finally Becky_Sharp
Diet: Day One Coaster
"Passion" breaks second of three major records it will break Aron
Saw a mountain lion today. HomeSkillet
AWESOME!!! Star Trek: Conquest OPEN BETA available to download. Mr_Mucus
i took this quiz mia_wallace
Tonight's SIMPSONS...rather weak (spoilers) MR_MUCUS
The Passion of the Christ - the Animated Series colonel_korn
Ruh Roh Rorge -- Spain sends Aznar packing convenor
Well, I saw Hidalgo (spoilers) MR_MUCUS
If this is the human race... Idiotopinion
went to the universal unitarian church today mia_wallace
to watch or not to watch mia_wallace
Fatassburger seems to have an unhealthy obsession with GW Bush Jerk-in-the-Box
Hanoi Kerry's Ass Must Be Hurting Right Now Because He Just Got SPANKED!!! fatburger
skilly-- I booked our reservations Uber
Do not answer this post! Do not click on this post! Idiotopinion
Batboy - Yay or Nay? church
This fatassburger is a foo'. Mr_T
WrestleMania preview: M_H
Have you ever liked somebody who was woefully out of your league? Lady_Amalthea
John "No Balls" Kerry Has Misplaced His Testicles Once Again... fatburger
Quiznos' "Sponge Monkeys" Mad-Ness_Monster
Saw "Passion of the Christ" and "Hidalgo" (spoilers?) Drew_Atreides
Women with big chests are smarter Dan_in_Cincinnati
My dick feels sore John_Doe
Kiss my ass Zell Miller!!!!!! Idiotopinion
Chimpy's puppet masters screw up regularly now Dan_in_Cincinnati
TV show poll: M_H
Another Bushism fatburger
i have three gigantic words for mr. cranky mia_wallace
Sci-Fi Channel to make mini-series of Ursula LeGuin's "Wizard of Earthsea" one happy geek, Theodoric
You know, I think the advertising is getting WAAAAAAY out of hand. Magmatron
Grade Uber's second fantasy baseball team Uber
DFAs kill hundreds in Madrid Spanky
Secret Garden Window MR_MUCUS
?s for hetero males that love anal sex. Griffith Trashy_White_Whore
It's still Mad-Ness' birthday! Theodoric
Which Johnny Depp movie character are you? Theodoric
So, just how do you nicely call a person a "scumbucket"? convenor
Another Bushism Bush_Sucks
Colby: Cheesed off! convenor
Annoying coworkers Becky_Sharp
Isaac Asimov must be spinning in his grave. colonel_korn
Xbox days are numbered? Becky_Sharp
Forums!!! archivist
<whimpers> This forum is cold and sterile! Becky_Sharp
Someone explain this to me.... daz
Mr. Cranky gets credit for putting "Dude Where's My County?" up there Uber
Fisties skilly
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