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Dear Liquid Sunshine,
I don't mind you attacking my teeth, although I have to explain that is not moss you're seeing. I don't mind because you've finally progressed to the point where you can admit that I "might be able to get a girl." Ah, sweet rapture! You see promise in me! Of course, being an ignorant bed-wetter, I was confused about what you meant when you said I would not have to choose from so many sexual positions. Am I to infer that sex with a real-life woman can only be done in one position? Or is that simply your experience?
I can see that your English is progressing nicely. You are now using "whom" as the subject. How very posh. Next, I think we'll work on answering the phone with, "This is her" instead of the old fashioned way.
I sensed a bit of mockery when you called me a "traumatized mutant." Perhaps you find it funny when people are raped, beaten or otherwise abused, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.
Finally, my mother's "falsies" still look fabulous, and although my father wanted a son, my boyfriend loves me for who I am. (I have penis envy? You are the girl here, right?) And thanks to those Atomic Wedgies, I have developed the ability to retract my testicles into my body at will, making me invincible to the many "kneeings" women are always dishing out.
Well, dear, now that you've read my words (and are undoubtedly wet down there) I want you to lean back, picture me, and slowly pleasure yourself...Oh, sunshine, you're so hot! Simple, but HOT!
Love, Discord
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