Sgt. Bilko

Bomb Rating: 

How many Dan Aykroyds can you get in a Volkswagen? Answer: none.

I truly believe this film is a danger to the future of the human race. First of all, if Dan Aykroyd gets any bigger he's going to need an entire other personality to control the extra mass. He's so big he's spawning jokes: How many Dan Aykroyds can you get in a Volkswagen? Answer: none. How many Dan Aykroyds does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one, but it takes several mules to spin him around. However, the truly dangerous aspect of the film is that it demonstrates a complete lack of creativity. Local hospitals are providing the movie's commercial tie-in: The new "Sgt. Bilko" do-it-yourself lobotomy kit.

Nobody is human in "Sgt. Bilko." All the characters are two-dimensional cut-outs. All the comedy is physical and there's not one instance where anyone watching the movie will have to think about what they are seeing. Inevitably, someone will defend this by yelling "Three Stooges!" This would have been a good defense fifty years ago, but by now we've seen the set-ups in "Sgt. Bilko" ten thousand times. Will Bilko outsmart his nemesis, Major Thorn (Phil Hartman), and save himself from being transferred? Any bets? Will Bilko's girlfriend (Glenne Headly) actually leave him? Will the dim-witted commanding officer (Dan Aykroyd) ever show a hint of true intelligence? I could barely stand the suspense.

"Sgt. Bilko" may even have a devious side. Bilko worships money (he drives a Corvette), but his platoon loves him because he allows them to slack off. When an African-American PFC arrives at the beginning of the film, he is resistant to Bilko's ways and the attitude of his platoon. By the end of the film, he's been acculturated. The moral? Obey your orders. Do what you're told. Make the great white man lots of money.

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