She's the Man

Bomb Rating: 

Saying this film was torture is like saying that coating my scrotum with barbeque sauce and dipping it into a tank filled with piranha is mildly uncomfortable.

First of all, I remember a film called "Just One of the Guys" with one Joyce Heyser. Basically, it was the exact same film as this one, except it was funny. Sure, it was equally as unbelievable -– gorgeous girl with large breasts masquerades as a guy in high school to prove a point -– but at least Joyce left her audience with some good mammories.

Obviously, Amanda Bynes was going to do no such thing in her adaptation of "Twelfth Night." Her Viola wants to play on the boys' soccer team, but can't. So she pretends to be her brother Sebastian (James Kirk), attends a different school, and makes the team.

The first time I saw Viola made up as her brother, I felt like I was watching a remake of the "It's Pat" sketch from "SNL." It's simply not funny when a film's premise is this far beyond belief. I'm sure some people would suggest that it's no worse than "Lord of the Rings" in its demand for suspension of disbelief. I say that Bynes passing as a male is far less believable than the idea of hobbits. The concept of Hobbits demands the audience imagine a new reality; the concept of Amanda Bynes as a man demands we accept a clear impossibility within our own. At no time did I ever think any boy on the planet would think Bynes was one of them. This should make the film about five minutes long:

"Hi, I'm Simon."
"Um, you're a girl."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Show me your penis."


Basically, this makes every moment of this film one of those jokes that always seems off. None of the actors believes in what he or she is doing. And you know that when a film has to cut to Vinnie Jones smirking to establish the empathy/cuteness factor, a movie has entered the black hole of humor and desperation. Add to that a director or cinematographer who can't seem to hold a camera still and you have a film that's truly sickening.

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