Shrek

Bomb Rating: 

If you're bringing an infant into the theater, you're too dumb to be having children in the first place.

Here's the primary reason I find animated films like "Shrek" to be about as enjoyable as irritable vampire bats crawling around in my pants: Parents feel it's a perfect excuse to dump their screeching satan spawn at the theater and escape to shop for a couple of hours. And the kids at these things are only getting younger -- movies such as "Shrek" are apparently an excellent and inexpensive alternative to a nursery.

First off, if your child can't even speak yet, he or she isn't old enough to be in a movie theater. What in the hell gives you the right to annoy the entire audience with your child's screaming and gurgling and continuous unattended defecation? Here's an irony: If you're bringing an infant into the theater, you're too dumb to be having children in the first place. Having children is a privilege, not a right, and if you aren't bright enough to understand simple etiquette in a crowded theater, don't forget to grab your gift certificate for free sterilization on your way out. Don't have kids just because you don't have anything else to do with your life. Find a personality first.

At the beginning of the film, Shrek (voice by Mike Myers) is reading a fairy tale. Believing it's crap, he rips the page out of the book and wipes his ass with it. The film is full of this kind of humor because the filmmakers realize that kids who have been dumped in front this putrid swill are genetically predisposed to laugh at anything that involves the anus. The reason? Because their parents are assholes and when they grow up, the kids are going to be assholes too.

Shrek's swamp is overrun by fairy tale creatures who have been kicked out of the kingdom of Lord Farquaad (John Lithgow). Shrek visits the Lord and makes a deal with him: Shrek will rescue Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) if the Lord evicts the fairy tale creatures from the swamp. Thus, with Donkey (Eddie Murphy), Shrek sets off on his mission. Donkey is clearly a representation of a black man, and is portrayed as quite the ass. The green Shrek doesn't seem to like Donkey and is obviously a racist.

The producer of this film, who also happens to be one of the founding partners of DreamWorks, is Jeffrey Katzenberg. Because Lord Farquaad presides over a castle of obnoxious rides and self-aggrandizing garbage, many have taken this to be Katzenberg's shot at his former Disney boss, Michael Eisner. Personally, I don't get too worked up when one control freak takes pot shots at another. And since Katzenberg IS like four feet tall, it's a little ironic that his midget Lord is somehow supposed to represent Eisner. The moral of the tale is the usual warmed-over "ABC after-school special" platitude: Don't be afraid to be yourself. One can only hope that the filth-covered infants crawling freely about the theater licking the floor clean of soda residue decline to take it to heart.

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