08/02/07: There's nothing I find more annoying than a screenplay about a screenwriter

Which explains why "Adaptation" is my least favorite Charlie Kaufman movie. I know you're supposed to write what you know, but I always felt writing about writing took that notion to the extreme and is quite a bit of laziness, too.

"Writing what you know" is what ultimately tripped me up anyway. Nearly all of my screenplays have some strong personal connection. And my life isn't the kind of thing the average moviegoer understands or cares anything about (just ask anybody in Crankyland from 10 years ago). I'm also largely a one trick pony: "12 Apostles" has nearly all of my kudos. Probably not coincidentally, it's also the screenplay I've written that's least thematically- related to my life. (Don't misunderstand me; "12 Apostles" probably has more stories from my life than all the others. But there is no character in it like me, unlike nearly all the others, and there's no overt oppression theme going on. I literally strung together several stories that happened to people I knew back in rural Alabama and completely excluded any connection I might have to them.)

The problem is not really that I'm succumbing to the odds. I just truly don't have it in me to write fiction anymore. It's just somewhat inexplicably gone, and it left when I was feeling pretty damn good otherwise. Maybe I'm just like a 40-year-old quarterback. Sometimes, you just know it's time to retire, even if you're still throwing perfect spirals. It's difficult to say whether I actually still enjoy writing, as I do not actually write. I don't think I would quit if I could still write, even knowing what I know about the business now. Because if I could still write, I might come up with something one day that COULD get me into the business, so there would always be hope, no matter how slight. There's no hope with what I have written and there seems to be no hope of me writing anything again, muse or no muse (I have plenty of interesting ideas lying around that I no longer have any desire to do anything with). I know what writer's block is (after all, I've been writing creatively for almost 30 years) and this isn't it. I know what discouraging results are, and this isn't it (like I said, this is the best I've ever done in the most important screenwriting contest of the industry, so these are technically ENCOURAGING results).

I just... don't have it anymore.

And it's always nice to realize these things when you have nothing else either. Actually, I'm pretty sure I finally formally recognized it to myself because I've had nothing much better to do the past few months than contemplate such things.

I feel really old and tired. And considering how much "rest" I got in April, May and June after losing a couple of jobs, a girlfriend/social life and hanging out in hospitals, I don't think I should be feeling "tired," physically or mentally.

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