The Single Most Heinous Act Ever Committed by a President of the United States

Editor's note: As a bastion of free speech, we here at Mr. Cranky feel it necessary during times of crisis to give representation to points of view other than our own. Therefore, this week in our "Culture War" section, we have given space to a conservative, right-wing voice. We hope this different perspective will appeal to a sense of diversity. For obvious reasons, this writer has chosen to remain anonymous and go by the pseudonym "Mr. Conservative." We welcome his view.

Guest Writer: Mr. Conservative

Unlike all these bleeding-heart liberals who are shouting every chance they get about this supposed tragedy in the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina and the imaginary lies President Bush used to start the war in Iraq and the various acts of terrorism around the world, I believe it's time we focus on the real reason we're in these messes we're in. The problems in the world and the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina can all be traced back to one thing, one single source: In 1997, then President Bill Clinton received oral sex from an intern, Monica Lewinsky, and lied about it to the American people and to Congress.

When a President receives oral sex from an intern and then lies about it, the gravity of such an act cannot be overstated. It is, quite possibly, the single most heinous act ever committed by a President of the United States. Even if President Bush did lie to the world about his reasons for starting the war in Iraq, the ramifications of such a lie are dwarfed in comparison to lying about receiving oral sex. Although many people have suffered in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and the response by FEMA was obviously inadequate, the responsibility for that response does not lie with the current administration, but with the Clinton Administration.

Once Bill Clinton received oral sex from Monica Lewinsky and then lied about it to the American people and Congress, he set in motion a series of events that would eventually result in the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center, the War in Iraq, and the poor response to Hurricane Katrina. Let's take a look at how these things happened.

Once President Clinton's blow job became public knowledge, terrorist organizations around the world realized that United States security would soon be compromised because public employees would no longer have enough confidence in their leader to do their jobs correctly. Terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda rightly concluded that Americans no longer had faith in their government or faith in their President. Americans realized that if the President could receive oral sex and lie about it, then the morals for which their country stood had been severely compromised and since those morals form the foundation of American society, American society was compromised. The lie about oral sex would spread through American society like a cancer, eating away at everything from highway infrastructure to airport security. This was precisely the time when Al Qaeda planned its attack.

Given this explanation, it was President Clinton's lie about receiving oral sex from Monica Lewinsky that ultimately forced President Bush to attack Afghanistan and then Iraq. Much like Al Qaeda, Saddam Hussein immediately recognized that Monica Lewinsky's blowjob would cripple any American response to Iraqi aggression. It was at that time that he began development of his weapons of mass destruction. Since Americans now lived in a land without moral standards, Hussein realized that he could build weapons of mass destruction without fear of reprisal. It was only President Bush's bravery and willingness to stand up to Hussein and re-establish our moral backbone that prevented a world-wide catastrophe. President Bush had to do this because President Clinton eroded America's moral backbone by lying about receiving oral sex from Monica Lewinsky.

Although Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast nearly seven years after President Clinton received oral sex from Monica Lewinsky, that act still stands as the primary culprit in the government's response to the tragedy. Having lived with the shame their President spread on the nation, government employees no longer possess the willingness or the energy to respond effectively to tragedies. They know that their jobs no longer have any meaning and that people around the world look upon them as pariahs without morals because their President, who received oral sex from an intern, undermined everything that American government stands for. In other words, if American government can stand for lies and pornography and the like, how can any government worker do his or her job correctly? Not only this, but since 1998, studies have shown that applicants for government positions have consisted primarily of people with low morals and ethics. By and large, they are people who are interested in holding government positions because they know that lying and cheating is a part of government work. As a result, the effectiveness of government offices across the board has suffered dramatically and the American people can no longer have faith in the effectiveness of their responses to any given situation.

If only President Clinton has stopped and thought about the long-term effects of his tragic decision as Monica Lewinsky was kneeling before him, we could have prevented 9/11, prevented wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and organized a more effective response to Hurricane Katrina.

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the best culture war ever

Decaf's picture

This is my absolute favorite culture war article 


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