Skyline

Bomb Rating: 

Let's get this right out in the open: "Skyline" is a sci-fi movie that was filmed entirely within the confines of the directing team's condo building. That, my friends, is the epitome of lazy filmmaking – when you CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO MAKE YOUR MOVIE. 

There's a big difference between shitty movies that try – and fail – and shitty movies that don't even put in a minimum amount of effort required to rise above the ranks of made-for-TV specials. For every "Troy" or "Pearl Harbor" there is a "Skyline," a movie so amazingly half-baked that it eclipses even the natural disaster of the week tripe that populates the SyFy channel.

Let's get this right out in the open: "Skyline" is a sci-fi movie that was filmed entirely within the confines of the directing team's condo building. That, my friends, is the epitome of lazy filmmaking – when you CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE TO MAKE YOUR MOVIE. The "Brothers Strause," as the directors call themselves, thought they could dazzle audiences by throwing around terms such as "Red camera" and "Mysterium-X" chip in their promo materials, but the overall effect was like watching someone else watching "Independence Day" if it had been made by the same team of techno-wizards who brought us the fucking THUNDERBIRDS.

The basic plot is simple enough: a dude with an obvious heroin habit (played by Eric Balfour of "Dinoshark" fame) and his girlfriend who thinks she can fix him with a baby show up at the dude from Scrubs' party pad just in time to witness an invasion from aliens who have apparently absorbed every possible cliché from every alien invasion movie ever made. Over the course of the next 92 minutes a bunch of people die or have their brains sucked out for no apparent reason other than the fact that the day of reckoning has arrived.

Back to the brain-sucking, though, for a minute. Apparently, and I only know this because an EMT whispered it into my ear after I passed out in my seat when my adrenal gland attempted to shut down my senses mid-way through the movie, the aliens need human brains to power their bio-mechanical machines of war. This sets us up for later in the movie, when in the depths of one of the ginormous motherships, preggo-GF escapes having her own noodle tapped so that the aliens can instead steal the tiny, tiny zygote thinker of her invisi-fetus. Fortunately, her boyfriend – whose brain GLOWS BRIGHT RED and therefore CANNOT BE ENSLAVED – protects her in the form of the giant monster lifted directly from the Doom videogame series that happened to eat his cerebral cortex.

I'm going to warn you right now – if you read the above paragraph more than once, I am not responsible for what might happen to you ability to use reason and logic. I almost walked out on Skyline, but stayed to the end to see if there was any sort of resolution to the train wreck that had unfolded before me on the screen. Now I wish I hadn't, because I will always carry with me the image of a red-brained gollum gently cradling his human spawn in his arms as he fends off what looked like the digestive tract of the Queen from "Aliens." When I am judged at the gates of heaven, and they look into my soul and see that scene festering there, I have no illusions about what will happen next.

Rating: Atomic Bomb.

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