Here's a plot for a movie: young boy falls in love with young girl (incidentally, what happened to the days when young boys thought young girls had cooties?). Young boy pursues young girl through adolescence but they get separated. Young man grows up and longs for young woman who he knows is out there, somewhere, just waiting for him. He search and searches and finally locates her. He prepares. It's been so many years and his yearning is welling up inside of him like an orgasm of inconceivable power. Finally, the day comes, he travels to the girl's home. He knocks on her door. She answers. And she's so butt ugly now that the young man vomits all over his shoes. Then he runs over to the nearest secluded bush and jacks off before he loses his memory of the gorgeous, beauty queen with whom he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life.
Danny ("Trainspotting") Boyle's "Slumdog Millionaire" follows this genius idea, more or less, except that the girl does turn into the beauty queen, which is the way it happens in every film of this ilk. And not only does Jamal (Dev Patel) reconnect with Latika (Freida Pinto), but does so after winning 20 million rupees on India's version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" where every question is something Jamal knows the answer to because it was an event in his life. Sadly, if that were true for me, my final question for the big bucks would be "How many times can you ejaculate on a picture of Farah Fawcett before the magazine page disintegrates?"
If it weren't improbable enough that Latika maintains her girlish figure and appearance after being pimped out and sold to a local mafia type, Jamal also manages to reconnect with her throughout the film. In the city where the story takes place, Mumbai, there are only 19 million people or so, so the fact that he seems to run into her like he's running around in circles in a mobile home is about par for the course. Incidentally, while 20 million rupees may seem like a lot, I'm told it will get you no more than a Venti latte at a Starbucks.
Another matter of annoyance is Jamal's brother, Salim (Madhur Mittal), who loves his brother in that complicated movie way where it becomes obvious that Salim is going to fuck him over just enough to keep the plot moving and love him just enough to convince Jamal that there might be hope for him. Then there's the cop (Anil Kapoor), who listens to Jamal's story. One minute he's electrocuting the kid and the next minute he's listening to the kid's story and asking questions like it's an episode of "Sesame Street".
"Slumdog Millionaire" is the feel-good hit of the year if you're suffering from dysentery because the two hours gives you a chance to fill up on a lot of shit.
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