Snow Dogs

Bomb Rating: 

"Snow Dogs" was like the doctor telling me he was going to cut off my entire leg and when I woke up, only the foot was missing.

I fully realize that anything less than a nuclear bomb on this thing and I'm going to be explaining myself for the next year, so before you start sending emails, I'm launching a pre-emptive strike:

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Date: Fri, Jan 18 2002 15:55:06 -0600
From: kissmyass@lickmyballs.com
To: mrcranky@mrcranky.com
Subject: You fucking fraud!!

U call yurself a crank? Who at Disney blew ur sorry ass? 4 bombs? This film deserved a dynamite minimum. Are u sleeping with that Eisner dude? U r screwing him, aren't u? Cuba Gooding Jr. and sled dogs -- what fucking group of Disney chimp interns thought that up? Shit, they couldn't even get the regular monkeys to green light this one, they had to hand it over to the intern chimps. Fuck. I'd rather slice my penis into serving portions with a dull butter knife then even consider this piece of shit -- and you gave it 4 bombs! I'm never reading your reviews again because you're a fraud! I hope your children are born without eyes.

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The fact that I even ventured to see this film should garner everlasting praise from every one of you flame-mailing suckholes. I suffered so that you don't have to. I sat in a theater full of screaming children who cooed like oversexed pigeons every time one of the sled dogs did something funny. To make matters worse, the computer animation geniuses accented the "humor" by giving the dogs situation-appropriate expressions and making them wink or smile. Thank you, Disney -- family pets throughout the world are now doomed to afternoons of being poked in the eyes with sticks as their owners' precocious tots work their way ever closer to a vigorous mauling.

Yes, I saw the same trailer you did -- the one where the dogs are talking. Thank God it was only a dream sequence, because if that had played a large part in the movie, I would have begged the nearest four-year-old to kill me. James Coburn plays Cuba Gooding Jr's father. How does Cuba discover his lineage? Coburn's character cracks his neck in the very same way as Cuba. They both also enjoy bleu cheese. In addition, they both apparently have bad agents. Gooding Jr. plays a Miami dentist named Ted Brooks who finds out he's adopted. He travels to Alaska to hear his mother's last will and testament and inherits some sled dogs. Slowly, he becomes a really good person with an appreciation for dogs and the outdoors and he falls for the only black woman (Joanna Bacalso) in the town -- perhaps in the state.

My level of anxiety prior to seeing this film was at an all-time high. I didn't think I would make it and I imagined how I was going to sit there for 90 minutes counting every molecule of contact between my ass and the theater seat. Driving to the theater, I had to actually concentrate to keep my arms from steering into oncoming traffic. That "Snow Dogs" was but a mundane torture as opposed to the kind of apocalyptic nightmare I expected was a tremendous relief. There should be an Oscar category for "Best Film that Didn't Suck as Bad as it Could Have," and Disney should win it. You heard me right. That, and the Disney board should be blown by its choice of two cast members from "The Sopranos" plus the entire cast of "Friends." "Snow Dogs" was like the doctor telling me he was going to cut off my entire leg and when I woke up, only the foot was missing. You know what? I thank the Lord Jesus that the leg, stump and all, is still there. Forget that bastard foot -- I've still got my beautiful leg. Dear God, I can walk! I can walk!

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