The Sound of Music

Bomb Rating: 

This is one of those movies that's advertised, be it on the video or DVD box, as a film that's "fun for the whole family." Did anybody notice this thing is three hours long? "The Sound of Music" is like "Shoah" for eight-year-olds. They grow up suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and have to get counseling to rid themselves of the urge to sing. You're telling me that in this world of ADD and MTV, a modern child could survive more than thirty minutes of this sappy drivel?

Frankly, I thought Captain Von Trapp (Christopher Plummer) had the whole discipline thing exactly right before the meddling Maria (Julie Andrews) showed up. The whistle and the uniforms worked pretty well. Those kids did what they were told. Oh, they weren't really loved, you say? Boo-fucking-hoo. Like there aren't bigger problems in the world. He loved them. It was just in a disciplined way. After Maria shows up to be their governess and teach everyone how to love again, they're all singing at every inopportune moment imaginable and there's nothing I hate worse than people singing for no damn reason.

This movie actually has some sick and twisted stuff in it. First of all, Julie Andrews makes a pretty tasty nun. That's just not right. They try to make you think she's got a hankerin' to get out and explore the world, but we all know what she's got a hankerin' for, which is why she falls in love with the first guy she sees. After she teaches the Captain how to emote properly, the Captain starts singing a song called "Anal Vice." I suppose he thinks that scoring a nun isn't really a sin as long as she remains a "technical virgin" -- that's the Captain for you, always probing the loopholes.

In the end, as we all know, the Von Trapps manage to penetrate the border and get out of Austria. Am I really supposed to care that a few super-rich Austrians escape the Nazis because they can carry a tune? And what happened to all those little Von Trapplets, anyway? Let's take a look:

* Liesl (Charmian Carr) - After she turned 18 in Switzerland, sneaked back into Austria to be with her Nazi boyfriend. Eventually wrote a memoir in which she referred to the gas chambers as "misunderstood."
* Rolf (Daniel Truhitte) - married wealthy heiress who suffered a sudden aneurysm. Poor Rolf accused of murder and forced to hire Alan Dershowitz to defend him. Found guilty and executed in one of Dershowitz's lesser-known cases.
* Louisa (Heather Menzies) - Used singing talents to get job with a traveling European circus. Fired for being too freakish.
* Friedrich (Nicholas Hammond) - Sued parents for $100 million over rights to "My Favorite Things." Lost. Maria's last words to him were, "You're not my son."
* Kurt (Duane Chase) - Male escort.
* Brigitta (Angela Cartwright) - Moved to America and married Little Joe.
* Marta (Debbie Turner) - Still lives at home.
* Gretl (Kym Karath) - Runs meth lab in her trailer.

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