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FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART 12: JASON VS. THE SPICE GIRLS Part Two-"The Road To Crystal Lake"
We FADE IN on a simple road. The sky above is gray, and a tree-lined forest lies on either side. The leaves have begun to show signs of autumn in yellows,and the occasional red. In the distance,we see a car making its way down the road.
DEAD CAMERAMAN (voice-over) -knew it somehow,my friend. I always knew in my heart I'd get killed doing what we do. When we exposed Milli Vanilli- hell,son,that was child's play. Hanson was a piece of cake. Barney-well,blackmail can only go so far. Did you expect The Spice Girls to be the gun-totin' chain-smokin' Marlon Brando quotin' death-addicted freaks that they are?
The car passes the cameras. INTERIOR of car. The SECOND CAMERAMAN is driving. There are tears in his eyes. The DEAD CAMERAMAN'S voice continues and it becomes obvious that he's listening to a tape.
DEAD CAMERAMAN I have no family,and you were my only friend- I mean,you ARE my only friend. Christ,I'm so used to the thought of my own death. Sometimes I just slip into the past tense without realizing it. Sometimes life is a bitch. That Maybe I'm rambling, I don't know. Anyway,in my will,everything's going to you...except my boat. I want my boat to be cremated with me,if that's possible. I want my ashes and the ashes of the boat mixed togeth-(cameraman turns off tape. He stops the car.)
CAMERAMAN(bangs head against the steering wheel) ChhhRISSSTT!!
(He breathes hard into the steering wheel and viciously honks the horn with the heel of his palm. Then he sits back and stares through the water-peppered sunroof. He does not move.)
VOICE (offscreen) Mister?
(He does not respond)
VOICE(offscreen,upset) Mister...please?
CAMERAMAN (shout) WHAT?
(He turns to look at the speaker and his eyes widen. There's a kid standing right outside. The kid is covered in blood. There's a massive wound on the side of his head,lined with leaves and dirt.)
BLOOD-COVERED KID(crying) Help.
CAMERAMAN Oh,my God...get in the car.
(He opens the back door nearest to the kid. The kid climbs into the car.)
CAMERAMAN Who did this to you?
(The kid doesn't answer)
CAMERAMAN All right...we'll find a hospital. Just stay awake, okay?
KID I don't think I can...
CAMERAMAN Oh. Uh...okay. Then we'll keep you awake.
(He turns on the radio,desperately searching for loud music. He hears a familiar song for a second,goes past it,then recovers. It's The Old Lady Drivers' "Colostomy Grab Bag".)
CAMERAMAN (over music) If this doesn't work,nothing will!
(he burns rubber down the road)
CAMERAMAN(looking back at kid) So what happened?
(the kid stares out the window)
CAMERAMAN Dammit,kid,who did this to you? (The kid points out the window.)
CAMERAMAN
He's out THERE. That's right. You're safe with me...by the way,what's your-
(Something bounces off the front of the car. The cameraman slams on the brakes.)
CAMERAMAN
Did we just hit something?
(He looks at the kid...and the kid nods.)
CAMERAMAN
And that's why you were pointing.
(The kid nods again. Cameraman looks back) I guess I gotta go see what it is. (He opens the door) I'll be right back.
(He steps out of the car. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then he stands still for a moment and begins to move. He begins to see the beginning of a pool of blood as he gets further to the front. )
CAMERAMAN
Please,please,please be just a deer... (The pool of blood gets thinner and thinner,and as he rounds the front of the car,he sees that it terminates...right in front of a hockey mask.)
CAMERAMAN
What the hell did I hit?
(He picks up the mask. It's dirty and scarred. He turns back to the car.)
(When the kid sees the mask. He screams loudly. Blood pours out of every opening in his face,and then his head explodes,showering the cameraman and the car's interior with brains and blood and pieces of skull. The cameraman jerks out of the car and stands in the middle of the road,watching the kid's brains leak down his shirt. He smiles. The smile turns into a big frown. He drops the mask. It clatters against the road. He raises his fists to the sky and screams. When he finishes screaming,he stands silently for a moment. Then he faints.)
FADE OUT
FADE IN on the cameraman,still unconscious.
CAPTION-"Twenty Minutes Later"
(Another car comes barrelling down the road. It's a limo. INTERIOR of the limo. SCARY SPICE is driving, and the other SPICE GIRLS-with the exception of BABY, and that other one,sit in the front. They are listening to "Your Life Is Shit" by Malignancy. SCARY sees the body in the road)
SCARY
Roadkill!
POSH
I'll give you a million bucks if you run him over.
GINGER
I'll give you two million if you run him over and then back over the corpse.
SCARY
Y'think he's still alive?
POSH
He's probably dead drunk.
SCARY
Run him over. If he screams,we'll know. Cause in Christopher Pike's "Chain Letter" these stoned teens ran over this guy who was already dead and-(she stops the car.)
POSH
So...
GINGER
So...
SCARY
Dammit. (Blows breath through hair) Get Baby.
(Posh opens the door,and goes to the back of the limo. She puts her ear to the door,and her eyes widen. She opens the door. Baby spins around, trying in vain to hide the cameraman's corpse behind her. There are ragged strips of flesh hanging between her lips.)
BABY (mouth full) Don't run him over.
(The cameraman opens his eyes and sees the Spice Girls staring down at him,smiling like dark angels.)
CAMERAMAN
OHMYGOD! NOOOooooo...(shields his face.)
SCARY
Shhh...you've had an accident,haven't you?
POSH (from car) Jeez,look at all this blood.
CAMERAMAN
What-who...
BABY
We're the Spice Girls. CAMERAMAN What the hell are you doing in Ohio?
(They look at him. They look at each other)
POSH
Get him.
(Their hands reach towards him,filling the screen. Sudden BLACKOUT.)
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