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FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART 12: JASON VS. THE SPICE GIRLS PART 4:"SHOPLIFTING,CORPSE-TOSSING,AND A DIATRIBE AGAINST FAN FICTION"
(FADE IN on the limousine as it cruises down the empty road. Interior shot. SCARY is driving. She is smoking a giant stogie. With her,in the front, are the CAMERAMAN and BABY,who's wrestling with a Slim Jim. The CAMERAMAN is sitting in silence.On the radio is Mindrot,performing "In Silence.")
SCARY
Where is it?
CAMERAMAN
Like I said,I'm not going to tell you.
BABY (grunt)
How do you get these fucking wrappers off?... You're going to(grunt)tell us,sooner or later.
CAMERAMAN Right,whatever.
(From the backseat, a moan)
CAMERAMAN
What the hell are they doing back there?
SCARY(stifling laugh) What do YOU think?
BABY They're finishing what I started,if you know what I mean.
CAMERAMAN (quick) Someone's going to find that tape. Whether I'm dead or alive.
BABY
We'd prefer you dead.
CAMERAMAN
I'm sure you would.
SCARY You should go back there and watch. It'd be a learning experience you'd not soon forget.
CAMERAMAN
Can corpses even GET...y'know... stiff?
BABY
Do they ever.
SCARY
I once read this story. By this guy called R. Patrick Gates,and it was about this lady whose boyfriend died,only she couldn't tell because he had a hard-on, so she gave him
head-repeatedly- until she realized the terrible truth.
BABY
How?
SCARY
There was a cockroach-
BABY(laughing) Aw,no...
SCARY
Crawling on his-
CAMERAMAN
Okay,okay! Fine,I believe you! Christ,if I knew my life was going to come to this...
SCARY
What do you mean?
CAMERAMAN I'm being held prisoner in a limo by five Beatles wannabes-(singing)if ya wanna rip off the Beatles,ya gotta sell lots of assss..." My case is only strengthened by the fact that the other three are having a menage a trois with the corpse of my partner back there-wait,there are three of them and one of him,so that's four-
SCARY
Wait...we rip off the Beatles?
(The cameraman sits back. A slow smile creeps across his face.) CAMERAMAN You guys aren't talented enough to rip them off.
BABY (scowl) Why not?
CAMERAMAN Oh,it's nothing I can really put into words...it's just that when I listen to you guys sing-and I use that term loosely-I always get this yearning for the sounds of...Bananarama-
SCARY
Grrrr....
CAMERAMAN -or New Kids On The Block...
BABY
That'S IT! (Turns and bitch-slaps him across the face.)
CAMERAMAN(takes it) You aren't even talented enough to suck John Lennon's decomposing-
(Baby comes up with an Uzi.)
CAMERAMAN Of course,you've probably tried-
BABY
You don't think we're in the same league as the Beatles?
CAMERAMAN Hell,no.
(Puts the Uzi under his chin.Scary stomps on the brakes)
SCARY
Not yet,Baby.
BABY(flustered) Why NOT?
SCARY
You wanted to stop for groceries, remember? We're here.
(EXTERIOR-the car sits at a part of the road without trees. There is a parking lot just ahead of the car. A small building is in the parking lot. It's made of logs,and there is a sign on the front reading CRYSTAL LAKE SNAKK STOPP AND ANTIQUES.)
(Interior-camera tracks through the door and into the store. It's as if we have traveled back in time to the forties or fifties. On the walls are antique Coke signs,Burma-Shave ads, a poster advertising a John L. Sullivan fight. Memories from the past are everywhere, as are huge amounts of junk food. The floor is polished wood, and as we get to the counter,we see an OLD MAN. His back is to us. We see his suspenders first over his white shirt,and as the camera turns to see his face-he's remarkably unwrinkled,although his hair is white,and relegated to the sides of his face.We hear his voice. He is talking into a tape recorder.
OLD MAN(whisper) -if I am a character in a story too large to comprehend-oh,what music!(winces, sucks in a thin breath) The music I hear in my head is nothing compared to true self-awareness...(stands silent for a moment,thinking.) If I died right now- if I had a major coronary,would I feel the pain? Would the author LET me? Would he let me hear the music? Would he have me sing? Sing one last aria to my exploding heart as I hit the floor?...(drops tape recorder and kicks it across the room.)
(We hear the tape recorder skitter across the floor,and we also hear its abrupt halt.Close-up shot of foot with tape recorder underneath. TRACK from foot to SCARY'S face. She's wearing a very long coat.)
OLD MAN(smile) Can I help you,young lady?
SCARY(picks up tape recorder) Mister,the kind of help I need,you can't give me.
OLD MAN
Y'sure? What do you seek?
SCARY(walks inside) Junk food.
OLD MAN
There's plenty of that here. A bountiful multitude,in fact.Are you sure I can't interest you in a Howdy Doody lunchbox? You won't find one cheaper.
SCARY
A LUNCHBOX? Jesus,mister,how young do you think I am?(remembers tape recorder)Do you want this back,by the way?
OLD MAN
Keep it. It's worthless.
(BABY walks in,also wearing a long coat. The CAMERAMAN is at her side. )
SCARY
And here's the junk food connesieur herself...
OLD MAN
I sell only the finest. Knock yourself out looking,ladies.
(They dive into an aisle filled with tooth-rotting synthetic-addatived sweets.)
CAMERAMAN
Hey...
(Baby looks up)
BABY
What?
CAMERAMAN
I gotta use the bathroom.
BABY
Well then,GO,don't tell ME.
CAMERAMAN
Do you have a bathroom?
OLD MAN
In the back.(bends)Here's the key.
CAMERAMAN
Thanks.(rushes out of picture)
(The old man watches them going through the junk food with a huge grin on his face.)
OLD MAN
Take as much as you want. It's cheap... not often I get junk food addicts in here.
SCARY
Do you have circus peanuts? OLD MAN Yeah,they're there somewhere.
(Sound of running feet. A kid they've never seen before runs out of the back. He begins to run out,and then notices BABY and SCARY. KID(amazed) Hey...aren't you...
(Baby stands up. She lifts the side of her coat,and the kid sees the Uzi. The OLD MAN does not.)
BABY
No. We're not.
KID(forgetting Uzi) Yeah,you are! Don't you remember me?
BABY(nervous) I don't know you. KID I follow you guys everywhere! Can I get your autograph?
BABY(suddenly switching accents) C'mon out to the limo,hon.
KID
Yessss!
(She grabs his ass as he passes. He smiles,then stops.)
KID
Oh,I forgot...(digs in pocket) Here's your bathroom key.
OLD MAN
Isn't anyone else in there? KID Just the window repairman. He said he'd be in there a while-
BABY AND SCARY
WhhhAAAAAAttt?!
KID
He told me to lock the door when I left... can I go to the limo now?
SCARY
Baby...take him to the limo!
(Baby drags him out of the store.)
(Scary runs into the back,and finds that the restroom door is locked. She blows the door off its hinges with the Uzi. She doesn't even run into the room. There is a giant hole in the wall on the far side of the room. On the floor lie the shattered pieces of what was once a window. The light spills into the hallway.)
SCARY
Oh,GREAT!
OLD MAN
Hey,what the-
(SCARY spins around and delivers a roundhouse kick to his temple. He falls,but stays alert. She jumps over him,and he punches the back of her calf. She yells,and stumbles, but then gets back up and runs out of the store,gathering packages of junk food as she goes.)
(At the limo,Baby is coming on to the KID.)
BABY
Get in the back,sweetie.
(she opens the door and he dives in. She jumps in after him,then closes and locks the door. SCARY comes running out. By this time,we can hear screaming coming from the back. The limo starts rocking from side to side. SCARY jumps in the front,starts the car,and drives off.)
(The road stays empty for a while. Then,another huge limo,this one dead black,comes tooling up the road. It stops in front of the store. The driver's door opens and a very handsome man steps out. He's tall and dashing. He wears a black tuxedo and turtleneck.His hair is black and slicked back. He looks at the store for a moment,and then walks in. The old man is behind the counter,a wet towel held to his temple.)
MAN
Hello?
OLD MAN
Hello,sir. How can I help you?
MAN
Do you have a phone?
OLD MAN
Just antique ones.
MAN
Yes,I noticed. I love antiques...they're so...old.
OLD MAN
That they are.
MAN
You wouldn't happen to have any music boxes,would you?
OLD MAN
Sure.
MAN
I don't carry cash. But I do have a credit card.(takes it from pocket) Here.
OLD MAN(takes it,looks at it.) There's no name on it.
MAN(offhand) Legion.
OLD MAN
Pleased to make your acquaintance,Mr. Legion.
MAN
No. Not MR. Legion. Just Legion.
OLD MAN
Y'mean like-
MAN
Right,right,like Satan. I don't use that name anymore,it's so UGLY...
(the old man stares)
SATAN
I'm not really looking for music boxes. Unless you have one that plays Slayer's greatest hits,I'm not interested. I'm looking for...women.
OLD MAN
Women? Y'mean like that movie-
SATAN
Right,right,ROSEMARY'S BABY.That's just not true! I HATE that movie...I'm looking for FIVE particular women. You see...I'm their MANAGER.
OLD MAN
The last woman I saw kicked my ass...(Satan grabs old man's tongue)
SATAN
Your tongue wags too much,old man. (He takes a deep breath and yanks the old man's tongue out.)
SATAN
Isn't that better? (Slaps old man with tongue. Old man falls and does not get back up.)
SATAN(turns away) Ah,the elderly these days!(throws tongue over his shoulder. It splats messily on the floor.)
(As Satan leaves the store,he scrapes one of his feet against the floor. A lick of flame scars the floor,and as Satan leaves,the store is ablaze. He gets into the limo, driving away as the frame collapses.)
FADE OUT
FADE IN on the roomful of dead counselors. Kybbutz and Carnage are walking among them,studying each pair of conjoined lovers in their tableaux of passion and death. Kybbutz suddenly bends down,and comes up with a stuffed Hello Kitty doll. There's a tag attached that reads TO CHRISTIE LOVE JOSH. The couple above it is staked through their chests. The young man of the pair used to be tall and handsome. His fingers are forever frozen in his partner's hair. She's a bit shorter,but Kybbutz knows that she used to be beautiful. Her arms twist around his back, sinking to the tops of his buttocks. He places the stuffed animal at her feet.)
KYBBUTZ
These two really loved each other.
CARNAGE Think so? KYBBUTZ Yeah.
CARNAGE
Think they're the only ones?
KYBBUTZ
In the whole room?
CARNAGE
Yeah.
KYBBUTZ
Probably. It WAS an orgy,y'know. But these two- CARNAGE It's like a mobile.
KYBBUTZ
If it was a mobile,they'd be hanging from the ceiling. This is more like...a diorama.
CARNAGE
Should we unstake them?
KYBBUTZ
These kids have become evidence. We best not tamper with 'em.
CARNAGE
Yeah. Guess you're right.
KYBBUTZ
Maybe there are others.
CARNAGE
There's only one room left.
KYBBUTZ
Bathroom?
CARNAGE
Dunno...Can I turn the radio off?
KYBBUTZ
Evidence.
(The song changes to Faxed Head's "The Blackened Coffin" They stand and listen to it.)
CARNAGE
What the hell is that guy saying?
KYBBUTZ
Something about Burger King. CARNAGE Burger King?
KYBBUTZ
Yeah.(listens) A blackened coffin with every Kids' Meal. Let's go check the last room.
RADIO(as they leave the room) The SPIRITS...call it MURDER...and destroy...THE CONSUMERRRR!...
(The song ends,and another Schnauzer song-"Bloodshower"- comes to psychotic life.)
(At the last door,they can hear the shower running.)
RADIO
I don't have a PROBLEM-
(Carnage kicks the door in,and they sweep into the room-)
RADIO
Killing people I HATE-
(Kybbutz immediately goes to the shower-)
RADIO
When I see their corpses...
(-and since he's wearing a glove,parts the curtain.)
RADIO
...it makes me feel GREAT!
KYBBUTZ
I'll be damned.
(Carnage looks-)
RADIO
Bloody...SHOWER!...
(There is another pair of corpses in the shower. The dead young woman is on her knees. There is a butcher knife running through her head-)
RADIO
Bloody...MURDERRRRR!...
(-and between the buttcheeks and groin of the guy with her.)
RADIO
All these pieces of YOU...
KYBBUTZ(flashlit through a curtain of water) The plot just gets thicker and thicker,doesn't it?
RADIO
What the fuck are you gonna DO?!
FADE OUT
FADE IN on Darkwolf,scowling.
DARKWOLF
God,this is so stupid.
SARAH
What?
DARKWOLF
This story I just found.
SARAH
What's it about?
DARKWOLF
Have you ever seen THE LION KING?
SARAH
Twice.
DARKWOLF
Do you think Scar could ever learn to use a phaser?
SARAH
You mean like on STAR TREK?
DARKWOLF
That's what it is. Fan fiction. STAR TREK meets THE LION KING.
SARAH
Oh.
DARKWOLF
I hate fan fiction. I have yet to read a piece of it that convinces me that the writer really knows the characters from the inside out. Do you know what "slash fiction" is,Sarah?
SARAH
No.
DARKWOLF
It's a kind of STAR TREK story that involves Kirk and Spock having a sexual relationship. Did you ever watch STAR TREK? Did you ever notice Kirk and Spock being sexually
attracted to each other?Not me. They never did...God, what these assholes are doing to the fabric of time and space...
SARAH
It's that serious?
(Darkwolf turns)
DARKWOLF
Yes,it is! They don't realize that what they're doing is not creating new stories featuring their favorite characters,but creating universes completely contrary to the original story. They ignore facts. Undeniable facts that the story gives us. Have you read any X-FILES fan fiction? It's ALL shit! Utter,complete SHIT! For some reason,THE LION KING gets a lot of fan fiction done to it,too. There's this really long one,quite bad. It's called "Tales Of
Tremabi" or something like that. I e-mailed the guy and carefully outlined everything he got wrong. He turned Simba into a wimp,for one thing. Plus,he ended the story in the most unforgivable way possible. Y'ever watch Saturday cartoons?
SARAH
Sometimes.
DARKWOLF
The most annoying thing is when the villain survives at the end and says "you haven't seen the last of ME!" That's how this story ends. I flamed the guy's ass off... oh,look at
this...Scully and Mulder,having sex in a vat of ice cream...pathetic...
SARAH A vat of ice cream?
DARKWOLF
Maybe it's a puddle-It's not very specific. But that's what I mean. It's all so very bad. And they're killing the universe with it.
(Downstairs,there is a pounding on the door.)
SARAH(calls)
Hey,Sebastian?...
DARKWOLF
He's asleep.
SARAH
How can he sleep? TOBY?...
TOBY(voice-over) I'm in the can,Sarah!
SARAH
I'll get the door...
(She runs downstairs,and goes to the door. She opens it to see a wild-eyed man who immediately falls into the cabin. Sarah grabs him under the armpits and drags him onto the couch. Surprisingly,he's still conscious.)
CAMERAMAN
Please...I need help.
SARAH
What is it?
CAMERAMAN
The Spice Girls wanna kill me.
SARAH
Uh...The Spice Girls?...
CAMERAMAN
Please! Don't think I'm crazy! They're out there,and-(he trails off)
SARAH(warily)
Yes?
(the CAMERAMAN breathes deeply.)
CAMERAMAN
I need to get to my car.
FADE OUT
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