Spider-Man 2

Bomb Rating: 

I think that if Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) simply made a couple of rounds on the self-help television circuit, he could solve all his problems in a lot less time than is covered during the exhausting 127 minutes of "Spider-Man 2", which is less a superhero action film than it is a twelve-step program for self-actualization.

First, Peter could visit Oprah and talk about his spirit so that he could stop crying like a little baby about all the sacrifices he's making, like not getting to bed Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), who's looking so haggard at this point that we're pretty convinced that Peter's increasing wussification has aged her about twenty years.

Then Peter could drag himself, Mary Jane, Harry Osborn (James Franco), and his latest nemesis, Doc Ock (Alfred Molina) onto Dr. Phil and they could all hash out their various interpersonal problems. I'm sure that Dr. Phil would tell Peter to pick an occupation and stick with it, Mary Jane to move on with her life and stop pining for a guy who can't commit, Harry to admit to himself that his father was a complete poser and Spiderman actually did him a favor, and for Doc Ock (Alfred Molina) to please, dear God, wear a shirt while appearing in his super-villain outfit.

Having settled his pathetic psychological battles, Peter could then move on to Suze Orman, who would help him save a little money and prioritize his time. What kind of superhero are you if you can save the world but can't pay the rent? I don't think Suze would put up with that kind of crap excuse, do you? And if she wouldn't, we shouldn't either.

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