SpongeBob GayPants and the Fundamentalist Agenda

So apparently, SpongeBob SquarePants is gay. And should be banned. Then arrested. Then burned to a spongy crisp in the everlasting fires of Christian Hell.

This inference comes courtesy of "Dr." James Dobson, chief ayatollah of the Colorado-Springs-based Christian-wacko think tank "Focus on the Family." "Dr." Dobson once represented the kind of wild-eyed evangelical nutball whose prophetic utterings were relegated to "News of the Weird" columns. Now, he's pretty much the face of mainstream Republicanism.

So expect lots more talk in the next four years about who's gay and who's not. The irony, of course, is that no one in this latest episode is gayer than "Dr." James Dobson himself. This should be stunningly obvious to anyone with even a passing understanding of psychology or human nature. We hate in others what we fear in ourselves.

As a heterosexual, you know how often I think about gay sex? I DON'T. "Dr." Dobson, on the other hand, seems to think about gay sex 3,289 times a day. Granted, you don't have to be gay to recognize that SpongeBob SquarePants has a nice ass, but when "Dr." Dobson finds himself enraptured by the demonic allure of SpongeBob's tight, angular buttcheeks, he sees near-irresistible temptation. This temptation lies everywhere: In children's programming, in the shapes of passing clouds, and in gay strip clubs where evangelical gay-bashers spend much of their free time immersed in necessary "research" into the gay lifestyle. Hell, temptation must lie in the very image of Christ himself, nailed to a cross like that all half-naked and sweaty.

Obsessing over hot, sweaty man-ass is only one of the treats we can expect from the Fundamentalist agenda as it jams its engorged, intolerant religion down everyone's throats in the next four years. Bombing an abortion clinic may well get you on the fast track to the Supreme Court. Teaching evolution may well get you thrown in jail. By the way, evolution isn't a "theory" any more than the fact that the Earth is round is a "theory." You know what's a "theory" and a flimsy one at that? God. But you don't see me sneaking into churches in the heart of Jesusland and slapping "God is a theory" stickers all over the bibles.

But you know what? Keep this shit up and I just might. And then -- mark my words -- "Dr." James Dobson will rue the day he woke up and decided to fuck with SpongeBob SquarePants.

The culture war? It's on, baby.


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