Having attended films for over 30 years, I knew deep down in my heart that one thing had always been missing from my cinema experience. While I never quite knew how to put that one thing into words, I was always confident that one day, it would arrive, and my cinema-going experience would be complete.
I'm proud to say that day has arrived. "Spun" has allowed me to realize one of my life goals: watching Mena Suvari pinch a loaf. That's right: "Spun" features a strung out, stain-toothed, bruised Suvari taking a dump. Hell, we even get to see the "loaf" plop into the toilet. Then we get to watch Suvari wipe her ass with a single piece of toilet paper and toss that in the toilet. Thank Christ, I have now truly lived.
Suvari is Cookie, Spider Mike's (John Leguizamo) girlfriend. Spider Mike is the dealer who's supposed to sell Ross (Jason Schwartzman) a supply of Meth, but who finds himself fresh out, thus setting in motion a series of events that leads to nothing, save for a lot of car rides, a lot of Meth-snorting, a lot of excuses for "creative" cutting and animation and some typical, boring, "you had to be there" sort of conversations between Ross, Nikki (Brittany Murphy) and The Cook (Mickey Rourke).
"Spun" might be the most unappetizing, dirty film I've ever seen. And while that's presumably the point, I have no desire to snort meth, and thus have no desire to watch a group of losers wallow in their own filth snorting meth. Is it actually some revelation to the filmmakers that doing this drug over and over until your veins are corroded is bad? Do they actually think it's a revelation to any filmgoer who's never been stupid enough to do crank?
My answer (the same mantra I asked myself throughout the entire movie): "Are you kidding me?"
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