Spy Hard

Bomb Rating: 

The inside scoop on "Spy Hard" is that Disney stopped financing the thing after screenings produced fatalities.

The only unsolved question people will be pondering after seeing this putrid piece of crap will be, "What could the filmmakers have possibly done to make it any worse?" The seventy minute running time is the most blatant case of pick-pocketing in recent cinema but probably a blessing in disguise considering most people would rather spend the time having their fingernails ripped off. As for the editing, while it's important to concede that future filmmakers may one day perfect the "epileptic monkey" splicing technique, technology has yet to catch up with this particular editor's creative genius.

The inside scoop on "Spy Hard" is that Disney stopped financing the thing after screenings produced fatalities. Consequently, after about twenty minutes of James Bond parodies and miscellaneous, nonsensical pokes at films like "Pulp Fiction," "Speed" and "True Lies," director Rick Friedberg throws his deck of cards up in the air, hoping that it falls to earth as a plane ticket and suitcase full of clothes so he can flee the country when filmgoers start threatening his life.

Friedberg must have the attention span of a four-year-old on crack because after he introduces his Bond-like hero, Dick Steele (Leslie Nielsen), agent WD-40, he tries to set a cinematic record for successive uses of the word "dick" in a feature film. Once may be good for an involuntary chuckle, but after a few hundred "dicks" even little kids are screaming in horror and running for the exits as their parents, long since driven to brute savagery, try to stab each other to death with soda straws. Amazingly, it only took four screenwriters to complete this masterwork. And you thought Hollywood lacked writing talent.

If there is any justice in the world, Friedberg will have his next prostate exam performed by a doctor with examining skills comparable to his own editing skills. Perhaps then he'll be a little more sensitive about using the word "dick" around others.

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