Star Trek

Bomb Rating: 

Sometimes it’s not the best idea to reboot a movie franchise.  Witness the abomination that was the fourth Indiana Jones flick, where they tried to introduce an irritating and ultimately uncharismatic son into the mix with the hope that he could carry Indy’s mantle into the future.  Most of the time when you run modern mega-doses of energy through the rotting corpse of ancient movie characters and storylines, you end up with a Frankenstein-style mess of unpredictable proportions.

Star Trek is no exception.  By now, most of the first generation of Trekkies are firmly ensconced in either nursing homes or cubicle-based jobs where their threat to humanity has largely been contained.  William Shatner is quietly sipping pina coladas next to his pool while penning insightful lyrics to his next album, while Leonard Nimoy is off directing bizarre off-Broadway plays with an all-nude cast.  However, somehow the powers that be decided that 30 years of the original franchise had not squeezed enough dollars out of Gene Roddenberry’s corpse, and ignoring the charring wreckage of Voyage and Deep Space Nine they elected to re-make classic Trek with an all new, under-25 cast.

Well, how could things possibly go wrong?  Especially when the movie is set in an alternate timeline where director J.J. Abrams can pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants?  Let’s start with the ship.  Whereas the original Enterprise was a graceful piece of work, the new version has been butched up to the point where it pretty much looks like it spent a month at Orange Country Choppers.  I almost expected Xzibit to step onscreen and say ‘yo dawg, we heard you liked Star Trek, so we put some Vulcans in your dilithium so you could warp 10 while you warp 10’.  The only thing missing were giant chrome spinners and a ‘We Miss Eazy’ sticker on the shuttle bay doors.

Another highlight is the fact that once again, the villain is an evil Romulan warlord with a ridiculously huge ship.  This time, they creatively named him ‘Nero’.  Wasn’t that the plot of the last Next Generation movie?  Or maybe the one before that?  Anyways, I guess they couldn’t figure out how to get the Borg involved in this flick so they resulted to the Star Trek Plan B evil mastermind.  

Not that it matters – the teenage crew of this pimped out ship barely look like they could handle putting it in park, let alone taking it into battle.  I would not have been surprised if half the dialogue in this movie had to be re-recorded when the cast’s voices changed due to suddenly having their balls drop.  I guess the Star Trek movie strategy has shifted from shooting flicks using the oldest actors available to using the youngest actors available.  Look for the inevitable sequel to feature the Enterprise crewed entirely by fetuses.

If you loved the original Trek, don’t go see this movie.  Instead, return home to your Spock shrine – which is most likely located right behind your Data shrine – and light a single candle in memory of the death of creativity and original thought.

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One thing I found disturbing in the trailer

Rajah's picture

I believe it showed the Enterprise being built on the ground not in space like it should be.

Hey, I wasn't all that please with the Next Generation Star Trek so I doubt I'll like this one. Although I do like the version starring that Quantum Leap dude. That girl Vulcan in it is hot!

is that hillary swank?

Critico's picture

they didn't have to use much make up.

It need not be built in space.

Anonymous's picture

The techology allows for defeating Earth's gravity, so the Enterpise doesn't need a space dock.

What IS bothersome, though, is that the Enterprise seems to be under construction in the middle of nothing. You'd think it would be in hangar or have some protection. Stupid...

Good god. (Rolls eyes)

Coaster's picture

You just surround the construction area with a force field and set it for rain, wind, and dust. 


Wulfgar's picture

Coaster wrote:

You just surround the construction area with a force field and set it for rain, wind, and dust. 



~No, my young padawan; this one is mine.~


Maybe I'll like this, I've liked a few aspects of trek...

TMundo's picture

...over the years, just a few. The old Star Trek movie that involved the Voyager probe wasn't bad.  I would watch The Next Generation from time to time and I have to say, I would always get drawn into the episodes.  The only two actual episodes of the original show I can recall seeing are, "Trouble with Tribbles," and the episode referenced in the film, "The Cable Guy," where kirk and spock have a duel on spok's home planet.  That being said I don't think I'm familiar enough with the details of the series that I would get upset about innaccuracy's.  The trailer looked decent, Cranky's only given this one bomb though.  Is it really a one bomb movie?

Star Trek: The Last Generation

Scumby's picture

The problem I always had with Roddenberry's vision is that apparently all Earth dissent had been crushed, all cultures assimilated, and all citizens worked for the Starfleet hive-mind government.  Many people would regard such a totalitarian system where individuality was subordinated as a Brave New World dystopia, but Roddenberry painted a socialist wet dream everyone happily sucks at the teat of government and doesn't cause trouble (as long as they don't bring tribbles).

From what I can gather in the Star Trek world

Rajah's picture

Money has been taken out of the equation. This might solve a number of problems we've be having. Also it seems since the replicator was  invented animals are nolonger killed for food. Which also means all waste is turned back into food and drinking water. Yuck!

I enjoyed Harold as Sulu

Anonymous's picture

Harold and Kumar never had it so good, although there were probably more spaced out.

A cool film. Was that Kumar (Kal Penn) who played...

HS's picture

...the original starship captain in the film's opening sequence?  Sure looked like him.

And I'm not sure why they chose Winona Ryder to play Spock's mother. 

Zoe Saldana was hot, hotter than the green chick.




Okay, the dude playing McCoy was dead on

Rajah's picture

And I did see a bit of Denny Crane in Pine's performance. The guy playing Spock did look a bit like a young Spock but he was too prone to violence. All it took to set him off was a yo momma from Kirk. And there was something else very unSpock about this Spock. If you see the movie you'll know what I'm talking about. That was Winona Ryder? I didn't recognize her.

I'm pulling the Alienism Card!

nickumoh's picture

There were like 3 aliens in the whole movie! Then they just painted one chick green; it was like they weren't even trying.

I guess the movie was ok, but I'm not a trekkie. I'm so not a trekkie that I intentionally watched a 10:50 pm showing, well after the average trekkie's bedtime. If I was confronted by a bunch of dorks dressed up in lycra and pointy ears I'd be forced to punch them out and take their lunch money.

Leonard Nimoy is a media whore.

...what...what were talking about again?

Oh yeah, funny, funny article!

nickumoh's picture

"The only thing missing were giant chrome spinners and a ‘We Miss Eazy’ sticker on the shuttle bay doors."

Absolutely classic! Who wrote it?

Not sure the movie was one bomb though. Can't believe I went to see it opening weekend. I feel like such an idiot.

...what...what were talking about again?

From the looks of Nimoy

Rajah's picture

This maybe the last time we see him in a movie. The man was turning to dust before my eyes! I guess he had to be there to lend legitimacy to this revamping of the original. But no one can play Spock like Nimoy! He's made the role his own.

And nobody can play Nimoy like Spock!

michael3b's picture

He's made him his own.

I went to see this on Saturday night.

Mal_Content's picture

I arrived at the theatre an hour early, expecting a bit of a lineup.  Turns out, both the 7:00 and the 7:30 showings were sold out, and the lineup was for the 10:00 showing!  I gave it a pass.  Maybe I'll try again in a couple of weeks...

I anticipated lines & gave it a pass...

TMundo's picture

...I figured I'd have to fandango a reservation, or drop by the theater early enough to secure the late late show which would have left me dead for the next day, I was too busy to do any of that anyway.  Maybe a week or so, or maybe I'll pass it up completely, as usual.  One bomb?  Fight club was one bomb.  What are we talkin about here?

We bought tickets on line and showed up 30 minutes early

Coaster's picture

And the three of us (me, wife, wife's bud) still had to sit in the third row for a 7 PM showing.  We saw it Friday and there were a few people there, including my wife's bud, who were seeing it for the second time. 

Yeah, it RAWKED. 








The villain is kind of a dick. 


Okay, it wasn't THAT bad of a blockbuster.

nickumoh's picture

I went to midnite showings of Superman, X-men 3 and Hulk 2. All in dolby surround sound theaters. Even amid the uber-loud sound system, the movies were soo bad I could not stay awake for any of the three films (the booze I snuck in may have also played a minor role). I was at least awake for this film.

Is it just me, or does it look like there will be some pretty good blockbusters out this summer? I'm not the blockbuster type but Terminator Salvation seems like it won't dissapoint.

...what...what were talking about again?

Land of the Lost looked pretty good

Rajah's picture

Yeah, I use to watch that Saturday mornings

And the sequel to Night at the Musuem is due to be out.

There were no lines for this one.

Are you for real?????????????????????????

Anonymous's picture

holy sweet crap man who pi**ed in your bowl of corn flakes?
To go on such a rant about the movie and how s**t it was makes me think that you where either severly picked on as a kid because you said to the wrong people that you like star trek, or else you auditioned for a part on the show and where told to go back to vulcan and learn to act!
WHO CARES that the ship has being altered!
WHO CARES that the crew are young this time round!
It is a star trek film BASED in an "alternate reality" showing the how the crew came together.
So yes their is clearly going to be differences in how it looks to the origional.
And as well as that tell me how in god's good name does it make sence to show how the origional crew (NOT ACTORS) got together with a cast of people looking like they are about to retire???

Now when you have anything to say about this film that does not involve some personal gripe I will gladly listen. Till then stop feeling sorry for your self cause you did not get that 3 second walk on part as one of the slave girls!

God I love noobs

Coaster's picture

You'd think they would take a look at several reviews before posting, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I understand how it happens...

TMundo's picture google the movie, you see the cranky review listed, you read it and comment immediately like it was aregular movie review. (shrugs) It happens.

Either that or Conqueror is

Anonymous's picture

Either that or Conqueror is trolling again.

"Sometimes it’s not the

Anonymous's picture

"Sometimes it’s not the best idea to reboot a movie franchise. Witness the abomination that was the fourth Indiana Jones flick,"

But Indy 4 wasn't a reboot. It was just a shitty film continuing it.

It depends on what you're looking for.

Anonymous's picture

By now, most of the first generation of Trekkies are firmly ensconced in either nursing homes or cubicle-based jobs where their threat to humanity has largely been contained.

That pretty well sums it up. In the end, it's not about originality, producing a thought provoking story, or appealing to a higher brow audience. It's about the money, and the studio produced a movie not for Trekkies (especially older ones), but aimed instead where all mega studios aim - preteen to mid 20's crowd.
Still, as a person who watched the original show back when it was being produced, I still enjoyed the movie IF my reason for seeing it was simple summer escapism. As a fan from decades back, ahh, it was OK.
Pine was a bit over the top but generally I thought he was entertaining as Kirk. Most of the other performances I felt almost as good about, though the new Spock was a kind of weak.
The film assumes much, that we're actually going to care about a whole batch of relative unknowns to fill the roles of our beloved characters. (Of course, the younger crowd could probably care less about that - if it's cool, make a sequel!)
In the end, it was worth the matinee price I paid.


davey's picture

Within 24 hours on his first space mission, cadet Kirk becomes
Captain of the fleet's newest Galaxy Class starship??
Shoulda waited until at least the end of the second flick...

Yea, if you really want to

Anonymous's picture

Yea, if you really want to go there, this movie has more holes than 10 pounds of Swiss cheese. In fact, they are so numerous you literally have to leave the thinking part of your brain at the door.
Some of the stuff, as the example you mentioned, is so blantantly ridiculous the only way to enjoy the film is to ignore it, which is possible. It's the way I enjoyed it. But I also agree it's inexcusable to be that lame. I guess it's just lazy writing.

Geez Man! It's a Star Trek Move, Not a Freakin' Case Study!

Coaster's picture

STFU and enjoy the ride!

A good part of the plots of several Star Trek movies

Rajah's picture

Was getting Captain Kirk back in charge of the Enterprise.

Why they didn't spend more time showing what it was like for them going through the Starfleet Academy?


One of the worst movies I've

Anonymous's picture

One of the worst movies I've ever seen. The music sucked, the story sucked, I can't understand how people liked it. Any one who liked it is a moron. Why spend all that money and have such a stupid story. Oka you go back in time wouldn't you want to go and save your home world that hasn't been destroyed yet? No wait then there would be no movie. That would be great! One less crappy movie. Trust me if this is what the planet earth likes for entertainment that we will never have the brains for space travel. What happend to phasers?

You may be more intelligent than those of us who loved this film

Coaster's picture

But I'm guessing that writing isn't one of your strong points. [:o}

This film was damn fine on so many levels.

  1. Non-stop action.
  2. Getting to see new takes on well-liked characters.
  3. Great special effects.
  4. A compelling story

Even if one had never seen any previous incarnation of Star Trek anywhere, this film would stand on its own as a fine example of a sci-fi action adventure. 

I'll be first in line for the next one. 

Thought I was the only one

Machete's picture

Thought I was the only one that wasn't impressed with the 'plot'.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed it for what it was: a popcorn flick.

Anyone saying it's more than that is delusional. The plot holes are numerous. Your grandmother's girdle requires less suspension of disbelief.

True, the plot sucked,

Mal_Content's picture

but the movie was highly entertaining.  I can't say this very often, but for the most part, the casting was dead-on.  I think my biggest disappointments were Eric Bana and Simon Pegg, both of whom I love watching on film.  Pegg was waaay over the top (annoyingly so), and Bana looked like he was having trouble staying awake.  I know that if I'd been sitting out in space for 25 years, plotting revenge on the people who had taken everything from me, I'd be projecting a whole lot of intensity.  But maybe that's just me...

I assume the green chick was thrown in as homage to all of the old Trekkies (or Trekkors, or whatever the hell they're called).  That was lame. 

Having said that, I can't wait to see it again.

Green chick lame? I beg to differ.

Coaster's picture

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I doublt if I'm the only one who bought a bucket of green body makeup for his wife/girlfriend. 

Those Orions are such whores

Rajah's picture

I think the green color is from all the STDs

Hated it so much...

michael3b's picture

...I had to review it.  It may seem longish, but it could've gone on for days. Weeks even.

Why the hell was he able to beam up two people falling at terminal velocity, but not Wynona? 

"Energize in 5, 4, 3, 2,..............................SHIT, we missed her!"

Star Trek is Science Fantasy

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

The original show was made in the late 1960's.  Society was in turmoil.  The original TV version tried to show how different people of all races and nations could possibly work out their differences.  There wasn't that much real science in it.  The creators of the show didn't really care about the laws of physics.

Star Trek (2009) does some of that social sciences stuff.  But mainly it is an illogical thrill ride cramed with as much action as possible.  Don't think about it, just enjoy the ride!

{;-) Dan in Miami


Well, it isn't exactly aerodynamic

Rajah's picture

I had this same dumb argument with my brother. The Enterprise can't land on a planet. That's why it carries shuttles and has a transporter and such. Something that size would have to be built in space.

Just certain things bug me about this movie like messing with an iconic character like Spock. You know the only times the old Spock got involved in romance was when he had a snoot full of spores or he was in heat.

I am kind of angry with the

Anonymous's picture

I am kind of angry with the people who recommended it to me. And with the director, whom I intend to grab by the neck and shake violently until he never gets a clear view of anything again. It is bad enough when you start crying for the action sequences to stop so you can see what the hell is going on, but Abrams did not even have the courtesy to keep the camera steady in a lot of the dialogue sequences. Why do the studios keep hiring directors who cannot frame or track a shot to save their lives for films costing hundreds of millions of dollars? It is utterly pointless to spend that much money when the audience cannot even see what you spent a good third of that money on.

Cranky, why no condemnation of the shaky-cam?

Shaky, yes, but...

Mal_Content's picture

there was no sound in space!  I'm awarding major points for that.


Reed's picture

I'm not a Star Trek fan, and this hunk of nothing didn't do much to win me over. But I did fight with my friend about it. Here's what we had to say.

Another review

FearlessFreep's picture


GrumpyDave's picture

I find this a much more amusing and insightful critique of the new Star Trek film:

Star Trek TV Series Fan


Ok, I'm 50 yrs old and a long time fan of the TV series and subsequent book publications. I thought the alternate universe story line would be entertaining, however my inner geek was of a different opinion. Spock's character changes seemed too distracting for mindless enjoyment. I spent more time arguing & counting the differences between the original TV series and previous movie story lines, (which interfered with my overall enjoyment) than I did watching all the action (could have used lees action and more story). Plus Spock's 1980's, new emotional male persona "I'm attempting to get in touch with my feelings" behavior was disturbing. If you truly a SF geek arguing the inconsistencies are what we live for even if you're 50 and have a life.

AWESOME! Star Trek: Conquest OPEN BETA available to download.

Boss_Bubba's picture

AWESOME! Star Trek: Conquest OPEN BETA available to download.

AWESOME!!! I'm gonna give it a try after I do homework! AWESOME!!!

(fill any spaces in the html link, Crankyland bug)

Activision's new online Star Trek game, "Star Trek: ConQuest Online" is at the Beta testing phase and Star Trek fans can get first crack. The open beta of the game is available for download.

"Star Trek: ConQuest Online" is a turn-based game in which players assume the role of a member of the Q Continuum to try to accumulate galactic real estate by taking over planets, and whoever ends up with the most planets wins.

Choosing from three types of game pieces (Ships, People and Items), players have to construct offensive and defensive forces to take over new planets and protect the ones they already control. Turns are broken down into three phases, Deploying pieces, Moving pieces and Attack/Defend.

The game is played online, with players going head-to-head from their own computers. Ultimately, once the testing is complete, the game will be available in stores featuring bonus pieces not available online.

So in this Star Trek...

Jack's picture

Let’s see. So in this Star Trek…

1. Vulcan is gone, destroyed. So all the episodes and movies that had the planet Vulcan and Vulcans as a part of the plot NEVER happened. Gee, thanks writers.

2. And since this is an "alternate" Star Trek universe, I guess none of the episodes or movies ever happened. Thanks again writers.

3. Now there are TWO Spocks walking around?

4. Red Matter? Seriously, is this the best they could come up with?

5. Spock is unfit for command because he falls for Kirk’s trick and shows emotion. But because Kirk is ALL emotion, filled with arrogant swagger, he’s a better candidate for Captain. Uh, huh.

6. Since when did the Enterprise crew members get their inspirational humor from The Three Stooges? The slapstick humor aimed at a "younger audience" was so transparent I was actually looking for a banana peel.

7. Nero is so full of vengeance from the pain of Romulus being destroyed, that he just hangs around the Galaxy for 25 years waiting for the return of Spock. But I guess the fact that he could have gone to Romulus in a flash and saved everyone (remember, he traveled BACK in time) just escaped him.

8. The only reason the Enterprise is built on Earth and not in orbit is because it "looked cool" for young Kirk to drive up to it on his motorcycle and gaze lovingly at it.

9. Black Holes can be created at will. Oh, and they’re easy doorways in time for plot devices.

10. Young people have all the answers. I see. So as the Enterprise crew ages, do they all turn into idiots?

And another thing...

Enjoyed_it_2's picture

11. Y'know, you don't have to bore a hole to the center of a planet to put a black hole down there to destroy the planet... a black hole on the surface will do just nicely, thankyouverymuch.

Still - When I wasn't LMAO I was totally into it. Will see the sequel easily.

Abandon all logic yea who enter here

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

The script for "Star Trek" 2009 is almost completely illogical and with little or no science.  Clearly the writers were trying to attract a younger audience.  Practically everything that makes sense was thrown overboard in an effort to pack as much action, conflict and excitement as possible into the movie.

When entering the theater to view the flick just turn your cell phone and your brain off.

Here are some things you can expect to enjoy:

1) Spot on casting.

2) Younger and cuter versions of some well beloved characters doing things that their older selves probably wouldn't do. Except for Captain Kirk who was, after all, a perpetual juvenile delinquent in space.

3) Cool space CGI.

4) Action, action and more action!

{;-) Dan in Miami

Get Thee to a theatre if you liked the original series.

NWE451's picture

I really don't see it being very good if you didn't love the characters and humor in the original series.

ummmm the plot does kinda suck, but many of the original plots sucked too and they were still good fun.

I like the ship, so f-off.

Casting was damn near perfect, probably didn't need Lenard in it, though.

Didn't get how Scotty just jumped on and became chief engineer.

Go see it--I will own the DVD

Considering what I was anticipating

gamerarocks's picture

I was, as much as part of me absolutely hates to admit it, pleasantly surprised with this one.  I grew up a huge fan of the original series, and kind of got into but never was sold on the next gen stuff.  I was waiting to spend roughly 2 hours ripping this to shreds, but I didn't.  They managed to make the alternate reality work to a degree and make the physics gaffes fall into the catagory of suspension of disbelief ehough that I only groaned during one of them.  Yeah ok having Kirk get to where he ended up required a considerable influence from 'Plot Convenience Playhouse presents.....', and having a mining ship built that frilly and weapon intensive is, well, a stretch to be kind Romulan or not, but I actually enjoyed this one.  Can't say I'm sorry I didn't see it in the theatres, but I'm glad I spent the buck 99 to rent it.

Impeach Jim Gibbons!


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