Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Bomb Rating: 

This movie is like the overacting Olympics.

This movie is like the overacting Olympics. First, of course, is Captain Kirk himself, William Shatner, who looks as if he developed his emoting style during many a constipated hour on the toilet. However, it was really painful to watch the other actors too. Ricardo Montalban, who plays Khan, Kirk's enemy, isn't exactly Mr. Subtlety himself, but more like a reject from the Shakespearean School of Bad Acting. Then there's Bones (DeForrest Kelley), who looks like he could die between lines. Finally, there's Kirstie Alley as Savik, who's part Vulcan, part funeral attendee. She either quotes Starfleet regulations like a robot, or the director is cutting to her teary-eyed face. Oh look, Savik is a logical Vulcan, but Spock is dead and it looks like she might cry. SHE'S NOT AN UNCARING MUTANT AFTER ALL!!

Of course, Alley would not go on to reprise the role of Savik in future Trek films because, as we all know, she devoured an entire hull full of Quadrotriticale, like a pregnant Tribble, and they couldn't squeeze her into the suit any longer. Unfortunately, this excuse didn't work for Scotty (James Doohan), whose suit knew no stretching bounds. As most people know, this second film has to do with Khan hijacking a ship and attacking the Enterprise then stealing the Genesis device. Since the Genesis device creates life from dead matter, it can also wipe out life on planets with live matter AND SOMEBODY MIGHT USE IT AS A HORRIBLE WEAPON! Do they not think to put self-destruct codes in these things or what?

Among the many stupid things that happen in this movie are: The well-known beginning sequence where Khan recognizes Chekov (Walter Koenig), the one crew member he's never actually met; Kirk, a guy with potentially an infinite number of children (of all imaginable colors) running around the universe, is surprised he has a son; after the first battle with Khan, Scotty brings a burn victim to the bridge instead of sick bay so all the big actors can gasp at him before the kid croaks. Finally, everybody tries to keep Spock from going in the radiation chamber to save the ship without considering that if somebody doesn't try, they're ALL going to die. Better Spock than me, I always say.

The film ends with Kirk hugging his son for the first time. It's so sweet. Thank God the kid bites it in "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock," else Shatner might have had an aneurysm trying to emote too hard.