Star Trek: Insurrection

Bomb Rating: 

The giddy pubescent arousal displayed by the crew of the Starship Enterprise during this, the ninth film in the series, makes one wonder whether the title was actually meant to be "Star Trek: Insurrection" or "Star Trek: Erection." Before long, the audience feels like it's chaperoning a Space Prom.

Okay, sure, they get near this planet inhabited by the Ba'Ku, where a person can live well past 300 because there's some technobabblish thing that allows them to look like the cast of "Baywatch" despite being centuries old. It also causes cell regeneration in the Star Trek crew. Thus Worf (Michael Dorn) gets a zit. Commander Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Counselor Troi (Marina Sirtis) take a bath together, Geordi (Levar Burton) regains the use of his eyes, and Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) tries to get himself a 300-year-old piece of ass in the form of Anij (Donna Murphy).

They're there to defend the Ba'Ku from the Son'a and its aggressive leader, Ru'afo (F. Murray Abraham), who wants to destroy the planet so he can stop his own aging process, which requires numerous drastic face lifts that make him look and feel like Cher. Fortunately, Frakes (who also directs) doesn't show Ru'afo on his ship too early in the film, because he has a couch for a captain's chair. Right there, you know this guy is in for a first-class ass-kicking, because no evil alien leader who stole his captain's chair off the set of "Love Connection" could possibly defeat Jean-Luc Picard.

The fact that we're on Planet Hot Sex begs the question: Why can't Picard get him none? You know Kirk would be getting him some. The best Picard and Anij do is hold hands. Memo to Picard: You're the captain of the baddest-ass ship in the entire Federation, and to quote directive 14c-2,3 of the Federation Handbook: "Chicks dig that!" I mean, come on, Regis Philbin gets more trim than this guy! And what the hell has happened to the big, scary Klingons? Talk about the bait and switch: Worf is supposed to be getting more virile, and instead he gets a zit? If I recall the Klingons of old correctly, Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden) should have had to casually inform Picard that while they weren't looking, Worf went off and made the entire complement of Deck C -- including men, women and any concave portions of the hull -- his bitches. Somebody needs to have the guts to either make an R-rated Star Trek, or put the series to sleep.

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